What are the red flags in the first stage of dating? Help

Dating in the beginning is… a lot. It’s this wild, electric mix of excitement, nerves, and possibility. You’re meeting someone new, and every text message, every shared laugh, feels like it could be the start of something amazing. I get it. I’ve been there, sitting across from someone on a first, second, or third date, my brain buzzing, trying to figure them out.

But let’s be honest. It’s also terrifying.

There’s a voice in the back of your head that’s always on high alert. I remember sitting across from a guy, “Date Three,” let’s call him. On paper, he was perfect: smart, funny, great job. But as he talked, this tiny, quiet feeling started to creep in. It wasn’t excitement. It felt more like… anxiety. My stomach was in knots. I kept telling myself, “Don’t be paranoid, he’s great!” But that feeling just wouldn’t quit.

Telling the difference between “new person jitters” and a genuine, flashing-red-light warning sign? That’s the real first hurdle. It’s that exact moment you have to stop and ask yourself, what are the red flags in the first stage of dating?

If you’re asking this, you’re not alone. We’re all just trying to find a great partner and, maybe more importantly, dodge a terrible one. The “help” you’re looking for isn’t a magic 8-ball. It’s a roadmap. It’s about learning to trust that little voice.

This is that roadmap.

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Key Takeaways

• Your gut feeling is your primary data source. If something feels “off,” it probably is. Stop rationalizing away a bad feeling.
• Actions will always tell you the truth. Words are cheap. Look for consistency between what they say and what they actually do.
• Communication is a two-way street. A one-sided conversation isn’t a connection. It’s a performance.
• Look for patterns, not isolated incidents. A single “oops” might be just that. But two or three “oops” that look the same? That’s a preview of your future.
• How they treat other people is how they will eventually treat you. The waiter test is 100% real.
• Early dating is an evaluation, not a contest. You are not there to “win” them. You are there to see if they are worthy of you.

But What If I’m Just Being Paranoid? (Trusting Your Gut)

This is the big one, right? We’ve been told we’re “too picky” or “overthinking things” so many times that we learn to silence our own internal alarm system.

Stop doing that. Right now.

Your intuition—that “gut feeling”—isn’t magic. It’s your brain processing thousands of micro-data points in milliseconds. It’s the slight mismatch between their smile and their eyes. It’s the tone of voice they used when they mentioned their ex. It’s the way they tensed up when you asked a simple question.

Your conscious brain is busy trying to be polite and charming. Your subconscious, on the other hand, is running background checks. It’s built for survival.

I once dated a man who was, by all accounts, incredibly charming. Witty, successful, and attentive. But after every single date, I would get home and feel utterly exhausted. Not “fun night” tired. I mean “ran a marathon” depleted. My body was telling me “NO” long before my brain could articulate why. It turned out he was a classic, high-functioning narcissist. My gut knew. I just had to learn to listen.

Is That ‘Gut Feeling’ Really Just Nerves?

Look, you have to know the difference.

Nerves feel like “butterflies.” It’s an excited, jumpy energy. You might feel a little silly or giddy. It’s outward-focused: “I hope they like me!”

A red-flag gut feeling is different. It’s a “pit” in your stomach. It feels heavy, anxious, or draining. It’s inward-focused: “I don’t feel safe,” or “I feel… invisible.” You might feel a sense of dread or deflation.

Nerves are about anticipation. A gut feeling? That’s about self-protection. Nerves are a “go” sign. A gut-punch is a “slow down, danger ahead” sign. You have to learn to feel the difference in your own body.

Are They a Good Conversationalist, or Just a Good Talker?

This one is subtle, but it’s critical. The first few dates are all about conversation. You’re trying to learn who this person is. But are they trying to learn who you are?

A good talker performs at you. They have great stories. They’re funny. They’re engaging. You might leave the date thinking, “Wow, they are so interesting!” But then you get in your car and realize… you’re not sure they learned a single new thing about you.

A good conversationalist engages with you. The conversation feels like a tennis match. They serve, you return, they return, you serve. It’s balanced. They ask questions. They listen to the answers. They ask follow-up questions. They build on what you said.

A date shouldn’t feel like you just bought a ticket to their one-man show.

Why Do They Only Talk About Themselves?

This is the most obvious conversational red flag. The “Me, Me, Me” show. Every single topic you bring up, they somehow pivot it right back to their job, their workout, their story, their opinion.

At best, this just means they’re incredibly self-absorbed. At worst? It’s a hallmark of narcissism. This person isn’t looking for a partner; they’re looking for an audience.

This was the red flag with “Date Three,” the “perfect on paper” guy. I realized at the end of our two-hour dinner that he had spent 20 minutes detailing the internal politics of his office, but when I mentioned a huge project I was leading, he just nodded and said, “Oh, cool. That reminds me of this one time at my old job…”

He never asked a follow-up. Not one. That “off” feeling I had? It was the feeling of being completely and totally invisible. It was a preview of a relationship where my achievements would always be the warm-up act for his main event.

What Does It Mean When They Talk Badly About Everyone?

Listen. Very, very closely. Listen to how they talk about other people.

Is every single one of their exes “crazy”? Is their boss an “idiot”? Are all their friends “flaky” or “always letting them down”? Was the waiter “incompetent”?

One bad experience is life. A pattern of everyone else being the problem is a massive, neon-red flag. It screams a total lack of self-awareness and a refusal to take responsibility. This is the “victim” mentality.

Guess who’s going to be the next “crazy” one on their list when things go south?

You are.

Are ‘Negging’ and ‘Teasing’ the Same Thing?

No. Absolutely not. And it’s vital you know the difference.

Playful teasing is light, mutual, and feels good. It’s based on a foundation of affection and respect. It makes you laugh.

“Negging” is a backhanded compliment specifically designed to undermine your confidence and make you seek their approval. It’s a straight-up manipulation tactic.

• “You’re actually really smart for a [your job].”
• “I don’t normally go for girls with [your hair/style/etc.], but you pull it off.”
• “That was a cute little story.” (Said with a dismissive tone).

It makes you feel small. It makes you feel like you suddenly have to prove yourself to them. This isn’t cute. It isn’t flirting. It’s emotional sabotage. If you spot this, get out.

Why Do Their Actions and Words Feel… Disconnected?

Welcome to the most important rule of dating: Pay zero attention to their words and 100% attention to their actions.

People will tell you anything in the first stage of dating. They’ll tell you they’re looking for a serious relationship, that they’re “a good person,” that they’re “so interested” in you.

But their actions tell the real story.

Do they say they had an amazing time and want to see you again… but then take three days to text you? Do they say they’re a great communicator… but then vanish for an entire weekend? Do they say they’re “so different” from other guys/gurls… but then exhibit the exact same low-effort behavior?

This inconsistency is the red flag. It’s designed to keep you confused and on your toes.

Here’s the truth: A person who is genuinely interested and emotionally available is consistent. Their words and their actions just… line up. No detective work needed.

Is ‘Love Bombing’ Really a Bad Thing?

It doesn’t just feel bad; it’s one of the most dangerous red flags out there. It feels incredible at first, which is exactly what makes it so manipulative.

Love bombing is “too much, too soon.” This isn’t genuine affection; it’s an attempt to fast-forward intimacy and get you hooked before you have time to see their true colors.

Here’s what it looks like in the first stage (first few dates/weeks):

• Overwhelming, constant communication. Bombarding you with “good morning” texts, “good night” texts, and “what are you doing?” texts all day long.
• Lavish, inappropriate gifts. We’re not talking about bringing flowers. We’re talking about expensive jewelry or booking a weekend trip on date two.
• Constant, over-the-top compliments. “You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” “I’ve never met anyone like you.”
• Premature declarations. “You’re the one.” “I’m falling in love with you.” “I can see our future together.”
• Pressuring for immediate exclusivity. “I don’t want you seeing anyone else. I’m deleting my apps for you.”

It feels like a whirlwind romance. But a real, healthy connection builds slowly, like a fire. Love bombing is a wildfire. It burns hot and fast, and it’s designed to consume you. It is almost always the first move of a highly manipulative or controlling person.

How Much Texting is ‘Too Much’ or ‘Not Enough’?

This is less about a specific number and more about the feeling it creates.

Not Enough: You feel it. You’re the one always initiating. Their replies are brief and take hours or days. You feel like you’re pulling teeth to get a conversation going. This isn’t a red flag of a bad person; it’s a red flag of a disinterested one. Stop wasting your time.

Too Much (and Weird): This is the other side of the coin. They’re texting you constantly. And if you don’t reply within 10 minutes, they send a “???” or “You busy?” This isn’t “attentive.” It’s anxious, controlling, and possessive. It shows a lack of trust and a lack of a life on their part. They are trying to establish a pattern of you needing to report to them.

Also, check the timing. Are they a great texter from Monday to Friday, but go silent every weekend? Or do they only text you after 10 PM on a Saturday? These are patterns, and they are telling you a story.

What If They’re Rude to the Waitstaff?

This is the classic test, and it has never, ever failed me.

Watch how they treat people they perceive as “below” them. The waiter, the rideshare driver, the barista, the coat check person.

Are they polite, or are they dismissive? Do they make eye contact and say “thank you,” or do they treat them like invisible servants? If the order is wrong, do they handle it with grace or with anger and condescension?

How someone treats service staff is a 100% accurate preview of how they will treat you once you are no longer “new” and they are no longer trying to impress you. It reveals their true level of empathy, entitlement, and emotional regulation.

If they’re a jerk to the waiter, they will eventually be a jerk to you. Run.

They Seem Great, But Why Do I Feel So… Pressured?

This is all about boundaries. The first stage of dating is a slow, mutual discovery. It’s also a test. A healthy, respectful person will test your boundaries gently and respect the answer. A red-flag person will push, and push, and push.

This pressure can be subtle. It can feel like they’re just “so excited” or “so into you.” But pay close attention to how they handle the word “no.”

“No, I’m not free on Friday.” “No, I’m not really a big drinker.” “No, I’d prefer to meet you there.” “No, I’m not ready to [be exclusive / meet your friends / go home with you].”

Does a “no” from you lead to a “Cool, no problem! What about Saturday?” Or does it lead to sulking, pouting, a guilt trip, or “joking” complaints?

Why Do They Push My Physical Boundaries?

This is a non-negotiable. This red flag isn’t just waving; it’s a siren.

In the first stage, this might not look like overt aggression. It often looks “smaller.”

• They go for a kiss after you’ve clearly turned your head or offered a hug.
• They keep touching your arm, back, or leg after you’ve gently pulled away.
• They make “jokes” about what they’d like to do to you that feel less like flirting and more like a threat.
• They sulk or get annoyed if you say you want to take things slow. “What’s the big deal? We’re both adults.”

This is a person who sees your body as something to be convinced out of you, not something you have authority over. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of mutual respect. Pushing boundaries is the opposite of that. For more insight, educational resources often break down these components; for instance, understanding the clear definitions of respect and consent, like those detailed by partners like the University of Washington’s Relationship Education page, is crucial. It’s a non-negotiable foundation.

What About My Time and Energy Boundaries?

This one is just as important. A healthy partner respects that you have a whole life that doesn’t include them.

A red-flag person wants to become your whole life, immediately.

• They demand last-minute hangouts and get visibly upset or pouty if you say you already have plans.
• They get weirdly jealous of your time with friends, family, or even your hobbies.
• They text you constantly while you’re at work and expect immediate replies.
• They try to monopolize your entire weekend.

I dated a guy who hated that I went to my weekly yoga class. Every Tuesday, like clockwork, the texts would start. “Are you done yet?” “Why is it taking so long?” At first, I was naive and thought, “Aw, he misses me.” I quickly realized it wasn’t cute. It was controlling. He saw my personal time—time that was just for me—as a direct threat to his claim on me.

Is It a Bad Sign If They’re Too Vague About Their Life?

A little mystery is one thing. Being a total enigma is another.

You’ve been on three dates, and you still don’t know where they work (just “in finance”), what part of town they live in (just “uptown”), or what their friends are like (they “don’t have much time for friends”).

They’re a ghost online. They deflect simple, normal “getting to know you” questions. They never, ever offer to have you pick them up or drop them off.

What are they hiding?

In 99% of these cases, they are hiding something big. They are married or in another relationship. They are lying about their job or living situation. They have a past they are actively concealing. A person who is available and authentic has no reason to be this secretive.

How Do I Spot ‘Future Faking’?

We touched on this with love bombing. “Future faking” is when someone paints a beautiful, detailed picture of a future with you… that they have absolutely no intention of building.

On date two: “We should go to Italy together next summer. You’d love it.” On date three: “You’d get along so well with my parents. I can’t wait for you to meet them at Christmas.”

This is happening before they’ve even planned a solid, confirmed date for next weekend.

It’s a shortcut to intimacy. It makes you feel secure and emotionally invested. You’re not just “dating”; you’re “building something.” It gets you to lower your guard and ignore other red flags because you’re so focused on this amazing “potential.”

It’s a fantasy. A person who is serious about a future with you will focus on building the present with you, consistently.

What If They’re Still Obsessed with Their Ex?

Everyone has a past. It’s normal for an ex to come up in conversation. But there is a huge difference between mentioning a past and being haunted by it.

Red flags include:

• They bring them up constantly. Whether it’s good (“My ex and I used to come here all the time”) or bad (“My ex was crazy, she always…”), they are a constant third wheel on your date.
• They compare you. “Wow, you’re so much [nicer/smarter/calmer] than [Ex’s Name].” This isn’t a compliment. It means you’re being judged on a scorecard you can’t see.
• They’re still in active contact. I’m not talking about co-parenting. I mean they’re still texting, calling, and “friends” in a way that feels… too close for comfort.

This person is not emotionally available. You are not starting a new relationship. You are either the rebound, the therapist, or the unwitting competitor in a race that’s already over. You deserve to be someone’s first choice, not their distraction.

Why Don’t I Feel Like Myself Around Them?

This is it. This is the single most important red flag in the entire article.

Forget everything they’ve said or done for a second. How do you feel? Who are you when you are with this person?

Do you feel like the best version of yourself? Relaxed, funny, smart, and confident?

Or…

Do you feel anxious, quiet, and small? Are you normally witty, but with them, you can’t seem to string a sentence together? Are you normally decisive, but you find yourself just “going with the flow” to avoid any possible conflict?

This is called “dimming your light,” and it’s a subconscious response to feeling unsafe. You are changing your shape to fit them, to please them, to manage them.

Am I Walking on Eggshells Already?

This is the number one sign of an unhealthy dynamic. If, in the first stage of dating, you are already afraid of their reaction, that is all the information you need.

• You find yourself re-reading and over-analyzing a simple text before you send it. “Is this emoji too much? Will this sound dumb?”
• You avoid bringing up certain topics (like your friends, your job, or your feelings) because you’re not sure how they’ll react.
• Their mood is unpredictable. One minute they’re warm and loving, and the next they’re cold, distant, or irritable for no reason you can identify.

This is the beginning of a relationship based on fear, not love. You are constantly on edge, trying to predict and control their moods. This is not romantic. This is chaos.

So, I Spotted a Red Flag… Now What?

This is the “Help.”

First, breathe. A single, small red flag isn’t always a death sentence. People are human. Maybe they were nervous. Maybe they had a bad day. This is where you have to differentiate.

Is it a dealbreaker (like rudeness to the waiter, pushing physical boundaries, or lying) or is it a difference (like they’re a bad texter or their sense of humor is different)?

A difference can be talked about. “Hey, I’m someone who really values [a text back, planning dates in advance, etc.]. Is that something you’re open to?” Their reaction to this conversation will tell you everything.

But a pattern of red flags? Or one giant red flag (like negging, love bombing, or boundary-pushing)?

That is not a signal for you to “fix” them. It is not an invitation to be their “teacher” or “therapist.” It is not your job to heal their past trauma.

It is a signal for you to leave.

The first stage of dating is not an audition where you have to prove you’re worthy. They are auditioning for you. You are the prize. Your time, your energy, and your heart are valuable.

Stop looking at red flags as obstacles to overcome. Start seeing them as God-sends. They are neon signs pointing you toward the exit, saving you weeks, months, or years of heartache.

Trust yourself. The right person, a healthy person, won’t make you feel confused, anxious, or invisible. They will feel like peace.

FAQ – What are the red flags in the first stage of dating