Is It Real? Knowing The Lust Vs Love Signs Early In Dates

I can still smell the stale whiskey and expensive leather of that booth in downtown Chicago. It was the kind of jazz bar where you go to feel like the main character in a noir film. The guy sitting across from me—let’s call him “The Architect”—leaned in, brushed a stray hair from my cheek, and looked at me with this searing intensity that made my stomach do absolute gymnastics. We had been dating for exactly three weeks. My brain, flooded with dopamine and desperate for a fairytale, screamed, “This is it! This is the feeling!”

Spoiler alert: It wasn’t.

Two months later, The Architect ghosted me. He vanished into thin air after I caught the flu and couldn’t attend a concert he’d bought tickets for. I was devastated. But the devastation wasn’t just because he was gone; it was because I felt duped by my own nervous system. I had mistaken the electric, blinding rush of attraction for a deep, enduring connection. I had confused the fireworks of lust for the fireplace of love.

If you are navigating the modern dating minefield, you have probably been there. You meet someone, the chemistry knocks you sideways, and you start mentally picking out wedding colors before you even know their middle name. It is human nature. We crave connection. But protecting your heart—and your precious time—means learning to distinguish between a fleeting infatuation and something with real staying power. We need to have a brutally honest conversation about the lust vs love signs that appear early on, often hiding in plain sight.

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Key Takeaways

• Lust is impatient; Love waits. Lust demands immediate satisfaction and constant high-octane interaction, while love feels comfortable with a slower, steady pace.
• The “Fantasy Gap”: Lust makes you fall for an idealized version of a person; love allows you to see (and accept) their messy, human flaws.
• Safety vs. Uncertainty: If you constantly feel anxious about where you stand, it’s likely lust or infatuation. Love brings a sense of security and calm.
• Integration is key. Lust often isolates you in a bubble; love wants to integrate you into their wider world of friends and family.
• Conflict reveals character. Lust runs for the hills when things get tough; love sticks around to solve the problem.

Does It Feel Like a Rollercoaster or a Sunday Morning?

Let’s get real about how your body physically reacts when you are around them. We grow up on a steady diet of rom-coms that teach us “butterflies” are the ultimate sign of true love. But are those butterflies actually excitement? Or are they your fight-or-flight response kicking in?

When I was dating The Architect, I was a nervous wreck. I checked my phone every four minutes. I analyzed the punctuation in his texts like I was decoding nuclear launch codes. I felt high when we were together and crashed into a withdrawal-like depression when we were apart. That volatility isn’t a sign of passion; it’s a sign of instability.

Lust feels like a rollercoaster. It is thrilling, screaming-at-the-top-of-your-lungs fun, but it is also nauseating and unpredictable. You never know when the drop is coming. You are gripping the safety bar until your knuckles turn white.

Love, on the other hand, feels like a Sunday morning. It’s that feeling of waking up, stretching, and knowing you have nowhere to be and nothing to prove. It isn’t boring—it’s peaceful. When you are looking for lust vs love signs, check your nervous system. Do you feel like you need to perform to keep their attention? That is lust. Do you feel like you can wear your old sweatpants, no makeup, and talk about your weird obsession with true crime podcasts without judgment? That is love.

Are You Connecting With a Person or a Projection?

One of the trickiest parts of early dating is the “Pedestal Effect.” When lust is driving the car, you aren’t really dating the person across the table. You are dating a holographic projection of your ideal partner that you have superimposed over them.

I did this constantly in my twenties. I would meet a guy who liked the same obscure indie band as me, and suddenly, my brain decided he was also kind, responsible, family-oriented, and emotionally intelligent. I filled in the blanks of his personality with my own desires. I ignored the reality because the fantasy was so much prettier.

Ask yourself this: Do you actually know them?

• Do you know what makes them angry?
• Do you know their biggest fear?
• Do you know how they handle stress?
• Do you know their financial habits?

If the answer is “no,” but you still think they are perfect, you are likely in lust. Love requires data. You cannot love someone you don’t know. You can only lust after the image of them. Love involves seeing the cracks in the armor—the fact that they get grumpy when they’re hungry, or they leave wet towels on the bed—and choosing them anyway. Lust ignores the red flags; love sees the flags and decides if they are deal-breakers.

Does The Conversation Go Deeper Than The Surface?

We have all had those dates where the banter is flying. You are laughing, flirting, and the conversation flows like wine. It feels amazing. It feels like magic. But take a step back and look at the actual content of those chats.

Lust thrives in the shallow end of the pool. It loves talking about:

• How good you look tonight.
• Music, movies, and pop culture.
• Shared hobbies (which are great, but surface-level).
• Sexual fantasies and flirtation.

There is nothing wrong with these topics. They are the appetizer. But you cannot survive on appetizers alone. You will starve.

One of the clearest lust vs love signs is the willingness to get vulnerable. Does the conversation ever drift to your childhoods? Your career anxieties? Your values? Your failures?

I once dated a guy for three months where we had amazing chemistry, but every time I tried to bring up something real—like my worries about my job security—he would pivot back to something lighthearted or physical. He wanted the “Fun Girlfriend,” not the real human being with complex emotions. Love is curious. Love wants to know the messy, boring, sad parts of your life just as much as the highlight reel. If they check out when things get heavy, they are there for the good time, not the long time.

Is There Room For You In Their Future?

Language is a powerful indicator of intent. Listen closely to how they talk about the future. I am not talking about marriage proposals on date three (please run if that happens; that is love bombing), but rather the casual inclusion of you in their upcoming life.

Lust lives entirely in the present tense. It is about this drink, this night, this weekend. It is impulsive and immediate. It consumes the now without regard for the later.

Love starts to build a bridge to the future. It sounds like:

• “We should check out that festival next month.”
• “My sister would love your sense of humor; you should meet her.”
• “I’m thinking about buying a new couch, want to help me pick it out?”

When I met my current partner, he didn’t promise me the moon and stars right away. But a few weeks in, he mentioned his cousin’s wedding that was two months away. He didn’t invite me immediately, but he said, “I’m going to be in Ohio for a few days in October.” He was giving me a roadmap of his life. He was letting me know where he would be, implying he wanted me to know.

Lust doesn’t buy green bananas. It doesn’t plan that far ahead. If you find yourself wondering if you will see them next week, or if every date is a last-minute “u up?” text, you are dealing with lust. Love respects your time and wants to secure a spot in your calendar.

How Do They Handle Your “Not So Pretty” Moments?

We all want to be the Cool Girl or the Prince Charming in the beginning. We dress up, we mind our manners, we chew with our mouths closed. But eventually, life happens. You get a flat tire. You have a bad day at work and snap. You get food poisoning (the ultimate relationship test).

Lust is fragile. It shatters when the fantasy is disrupted. If you are only attractive to them when you are happy, made-up, and agreeable, that is conditional attraction. That is not safe.

I remember getting a terrible cold while seeing a guy I really liked. I looked like a swamp creature—puffy eyes, red nose, the works. I was miserable. He came over, took one look at me, and said, “Whoa, you look rough. Maybe I should come back when you’re feeling… better.” He literally backed out of the doorway like he was escaping a crime scene.

Contrast that with love. Love brings you soup. Love doesn’t mind if you look a mess. In fact, true intimacy is often built in those gross, unglamorous moments. One of the major lust vs love signs is empathy. When you are down, does their attraction turn into care? Or does it turn into disappointment?

Is The Connection Isolated or Integrated?

Think about the physical space your relationship occupies. Do you only ever see each other at night? Do you only hang out at your apartment or his? Do you exist in a bubble separate from the rest of his life?

Lust loves isolation. It wants to keep the focus entirely on the physical connection, free from the distractions of the outside world. It feels intense and secret, which can be sexy at first, but it quickly becomes lonely. It’s called “pocketing”—he keeps you in his pocket, away from the rest of his reality.

Love seeks integration. A person who sees a future with you wants to show you off. They want to see how you fit into their world.

• They introduce you to their friends.
• They take you to their favorite daytime coffee spot.
• They aren’t afraid to be seen with you in public without the cover of darkness.

If you have been dating for months and you have never met a single friend, or if he is cagey about you posting photos together, that is a massive red flag. He is compartmentalizing you. You are the “fun hookup” box, not the “partner” box. Love wants to merge those worlds. It wants to see if you get along with his best friend. It wants to see if you like his dog.

Does The Physical Intimacy Feel Like Taking or Giving?

This is a nuanced one, so stay with me. Both lust and love involve sexual attraction. Hopefully, a lot of it! But the quality of that intimacy differs.

Lust is often self-serving. It focuses on the release, the conquest, the sensation. It can feel performative, like you are acting out scenes from a movie rather than connecting with another human being. It’s often rushed. It feels like a transaction.

Love brings a different energy to the bedroom. There is eye contact—real, sustained eye contact that makes you feel seen, not just watched. There is a desire to please the other person not just to show off skills, but because you care about their pleasure. There is an emotional afterglow.

Ask yourself: Do you cuddle afterwards? Do you talk? Or does he roll over and check his phone, or worse, put his clothes on and leave? The post-coital period is a truth serum for relationships. If the connection evaporates the second the physical act is over, it was lust. If the connection deepens and you feel safe and held, it’s leaning toward love.

According to research on attachment and attraction, the brain actually processes lust and love in different areas. Lust lights up the reward centers (the same ones activated by addictive drugs), while love activates regions associated with empathy and caregiving. Trust your gut—you can usually feel the difference between someone wanting your body and someone wanting you.

Do You Feel Drained or Energized?

Pay attention to your energy levels. This is the most underrated metric in dating.

I once dated a man who was objectively perfect “on paper.” Handsome, successful, charming. But every time I drove home from his house, I felt exhausted. I felt depleted. I realized later it was because I spent hours subconsciously trying to be “good enough” for him. I was walking on eggshells, trying to maintain the lustful tension, trying to keep the facade up.

Real love gives you energy. Even if you are an introvert, the right person shouldn’t drain your battery to zero. You should leave a date feeling fuller, lighter, and more optimistic. You should feel like you can conquer the world, not like you need a nap.

If you find yourself needing a “recovery day” after seeing them just to get your emotional equilibrium back, look closely at that. Are you exhausted because you are suppressing your true self to maintain the attraction?

How Do They Handle The Word “No”?

Boundaries are the litmus test for respect. In the early stages of dating, try setting a small boundary. It doesn’t have to be huge.

• “I can’t go out tonight, I need to catch up on sleep.”
• “I’m not ready to do that specifically in the bedroom yet.”
• “I really hate that restaurant, can we go somewhere else?”

Watch their reaction. Watch it closely.

Lust gets annoyed by obstacles. Lust sees a “no” as a buzzkill, a hindrance to getting what it wants (which is usually your time, attention, or body). If they pout, guilt-trip you, or ignore your boundary, get out. Run.

Love respects the “no” because it respects the person saying it. Love prioritizes your comfort over its own immediate gratification. If you say you are tired, a person who is falling in love with you will say, “Go to sleep! We can talk tomorrow.” They care about your well-being more than their Friday night entertainment.

Can You Be Boring Together?

This is my favorite test. The “IKEA Test,” or the “DMV Test.” Can you endure a mundane, frustrating, or incredibly boring situation with this person and still like them?

Lust needs a backdrop of excitement. It needs the fancy dinner, the loud music, the adrenaline. Strip that away, and two people in lust often find they have nothing to say to each other. The silence becomes deafening.

Love can sit in a waiting room for 45 minutes and make it fun. Love can walk through a grocery store on a Tuesday night debating the merits of different pasta shapes and feel content.

I remember running errands with a guy a few years ago. We were stuck in traffic on the I-90. It was pouring rain, the windshield wipers were broken, and we were starving. We started making up elaborate backstories for the people in the cars next to us. We laughed until we cried. That was the moment I knew it was real. We weren’t doing anything “exciting,” but we were enjoying the simple act of existing in the same space.

If you feel the need to constantly entertain them, or if silence feels awkward and heavy, you might just be running on the fumes of lust.

Do They Celebrate Your Wins?

Jealousy is a tricky beast. In a lust-based dynamic, there can be a subtle undercurrent of competition. Since the relationship is superficial, your success might threaten their ego. They might make snarky comments about your promotion or downplay your achievements.

Love is your biggest cheerleader. When you win, they feel like they won too. It’s a concept called “compersion”—finding joy in another’s joy.

I got a major article published once while dating a guy who was struggling with his own career. When I told him, he sighed, looked at his beer, and said, “Must be nice to have things come so easily to you.” Ouch. He couldn’t separate his own insecurity from my joy.

A partner who loves you will pop the champagne (or the sparkling water) even if they are having a rough week. They view you as a team. Your victory is a victory for the partnership. Watch their face when you share good news. Does it light up? Or does a shadow pass over it?

Are You “In Like” Before You Are “In Love”?

We focus so much on “falling in love,” but we forget about “falling in like.” You can lust after someone you don’t actually like as a person. You can differ on politics, values, and humor, but still have crazy physical chemistry.

That chemistry will fade. It always does. It evolves into something else, or it disappears. When the dust settles, you are left with the person underneath.

Do you actually like them?

• Are they kind to waitstaff?
• Do they make you laugh?
• Are they interesting?
• Are they a good friend?

If you stripped away the sexual attraction, would you still want to hang out with them? If the answer is “absolutely not,” you are deep in the throes of lust. Love is friendship set on fire. Lust is just the fire.

Trusting Your Intuition

Deep down, we usually know. We know when we are forcing it. We know when we are overlooking bad behavior because he has nice eyes and a great car. We know when the text message gives us anxiety instead of joy.

The hardest part isn’t identifying the lust vs love signs; it is admitting them to ourselves. It is admitting that the guy who looks like a Hemsworth brother might just be a summer fling, not a life partner. And that is okay! Lust is fun. It’s part of the human experience. There is nothing wrong with a fling, as long as you know it’s a fling.

The danger comes when you try to paint a lust relationship with a love brush. That is how you get hurt.

So, take a deep breath. Look at the person across from you. Are you seeing them, or a fantasy? Do you feel safe, or are you dizzy? Listen to the quiet voice in your head, not just the loud pounding of your heart. Real love doesn’t need to scream to be heard. It just stays.

FAQs – Lust Vs Love Signs