A breakup is a special kind of hell. But trying to figure out how to get over him when you’re still hopelessly in love? That’s a whole other level of torture. It’s a quiet, lonely chaos. One day you’re planning a life, and the next you’re standing in the ruins of it, trying to remember how to breathe. The world loses its color. His absence is a physical presence, a deafening silence in every room. Every memory is a ghost that haunts you.
Trust me, I get it. I’ve spent my nights staring at a ceiling, the clock ticking past 3 a.m., my mind a relentless movie reel of our last conversations, trying to pinpoint the exact moment it all fell apart. This isn’t just a list of things you should do. It’s a map. One I had to draw for myself to get through that same impossible landscape. This is for the days you feel pathetic, the nights you feel lost, and for every moment you’re convinced the ache will never, ever go away. It will. I swear it will.
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Key Takeaways
- Your Pain Is Real, So Feel It: Stop telling yourself you’re overreacting. The grief you’re experiencing is a legitimate chemical and emotional reaction to a major loss. You have every right to mourn what you had.
- Go Cold Turkey with No Contact: This part is non-negotiable. Healing requires distance. That means no texts, no calls, and absolutely no stalking his social media. You have to give your brain a fighting chance to reset.
- Remember Who You Are Alone: It’s easy to lose yourself in a “we.” It’s time to get reacquainted with “you.” That means diving back into old hobbies, calling your friends, and learning to actually enjoy your own company again.
- Flip the Narrative in Your Head: You have to consciously shift your focus from what you lost to what you can build. Question those perfect memories, find the lessons in the rubble, and start designing a future that actually excites you—one that doesn’t have him in it.
Why Does It Hurt So Damn Much to Get Over Him?
The end of a relationship feels like a physical injury because, on a neurological level, it is. Your brain got used to a steady diet of happy chemicals—dopamine, oxytocin—every time you were with him. Now, it’s been cut off. Cold turkey. Brain scans show that the mind of a heartbroken person looks strikingly similar to the mind of someone withdrawing from a cocaine addiction. This isn’t just you being dramatic; it’s a powerful, physiological storm.
You didn’t just lose a boyfriend. You lost your routine, your plus-one, your emergency contact, your inside jokes, and the entire future you built in your head. It’s a catastrophic loss. And underneath all that chemical chaos is the shredding of your attachment bond. We’re wired to connect. When the person you’re most connected to vanishes, it trips every primal alarm about abandonment and being alone. The agony you feel is just a measure of the love you had. It means it was real.
Is It Normal to Feel This Shattered?
Yes. Completely and totally normal. Feeling like you’ve been shattered into a million pieces is just proof that you’re human and that you dared to love with an open heart. There’s no magic switch to turn it all off. I’ll never forget standing in a grocery store a month after he left me. Just standing there, staring at the cereal boxes, completely paralyzed. I had been moving through my days like a zombie, and in that moment, I couldn’t remember what I was even there to buy.
Suddenly, tears were streaming down my face. Right there in aisle six. Because he was the one who always knew we were out of milk. I felt like a pathetic failure, an adult who couldn’t even manage a shopping list. But that feeling of being completely broken isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s just your heart processing a massive trauma. Letting yourself feel it, without judging yourself for it, is the bravest first step you can possibly take.
Okay, So Where Do I Start When He’s All I Think About?
Your first move is the hardest and most important one: you have to create a vacuum. When your life has orbited around another person, the simple idea of creating empty space where they used to be is terrifying. Your mind will constantly try to fill it with thoughts of him. What’s he doing? Does he miss me? Who is he with? That’s your brain desperately seeking its familiar comfort, its drug. So, the most powerful thing you can do right now is starve it.
This isn’t about erasing him. It’s about giving your frazzled nervous system a break and your heart some room to breathe without being constantly poked by the memory of him. You have to evict him from your head. The goal is to make things quiet enough that you can finally hear yourself think again. You were a complete person before you met him. You will be a complete person long after this pain fades. This first step is everything.
But Do I Really Have to Cut Off All Contact?
Yes. I cannot say this enough. One hundred percent. This is the infamous “no-contact rule,” and it is your single greatest weapon. See it as an emotional detox. Every text you send, every call you make, every “accidental” drive past his apartment—it’s like taking a tiny sip of poison that sends you right back into the throes of withdrawal. This isn’t a game to manipulate him into missing you. This is an act of radical self-preservation.
This means you will:
- Not text or call him. I don’t care what the reason is. You don’t need that hoodie back. His mom will be fine. His birthday will happen without you.
- Block his number. Right now. This stops you from staring at your phone, praying for a message that will only reopen the wound.
- Nuke him from social media. Unfollowing isn’t enough. You have to block him. Everywhere. I know it feels dramatic. Do it anyway. It’s a necessity.
This isn’t about being mean. It’s about being kind to yourself. You are drawing a line in the sand and declaring, “My sanity is more important.” No contact is the clean break that allows the healing to start. It will feel impossible at first. But it is your fastest way out of this hell.
What About the Urge to Check His Social Media?
That urge will feel like you’re dying of thirst and he’s a glass of water. It’s a frantic, desperate need for information, for any clue about his state of mind. But it’s a trap. It’s you torturing yourself and calling it research. Let me save you the trouble: there is nothing you can find on his profile that will make you feel good. If he looks happy, it will destroy you. If he looks sad, it will give you a sliver of false hope that will destroy you later.
You cannot win. I learned this the hard way. Weeks into a successful no-contact streak, in a moment of soul-crushing loneliness, I folded. Just one look, I told myself. I saw a picture of him at a bar with friends. He was smiling. He looked like he was moving on. My stomach plummeted.
My hands went cold. The progress I had made over weeks evaporated in a single second, and that one photo sent me into a tailspin of obsessive anxiety that took me months to recover from. Don’t do what I did. Make it impossible for yourself. Block him. Ask a friend to change your Instagram password for a week. Replace the habit. Every time your thumb hovers over that app, make yourself call your mom, or do ten squats, or put on a song and dance ridiculously. Anything else. Each time you resist, you’re literally rewiring your brain. You’re taking your power back.
What Am I Supposed to Do With All of These Feelings?
You invite them in. I know it sounds crazy. The single most backward-seeming part of healing is that you have to walk toward the pain, not run from it. Our instinct is to numb, to distract, to suppress. We binge-watch TV, bury ourselves in work, fill every single night with plans—anything to avoid the crushing weight of our own sadness. But feelings are just energy. If you shove them down, they don’t vanish. They metastasize. They curdle into anxiety or bubble up as anger. The bravest thing you can do is give them a controlled exit. Carve out time to just feel awful.
Put on that gut-wrenching album and let yourself sob. Scream into a pillow. Open a notebook and scribble down every ugly, irrational, heartbroken thought you have. Don’t edit. Don’t judge. When you give your feelings an appointment, you stop them from ambushing you in the middle of the workday. You’re teaching yourself, “I can handle this.” This isn’t wallowing. It’s processing. It’s cleaning out the wound. It stings, but it’s the only way it’s going to heal properly.
Is It Okay That All I Want to Do Is Cry?
It’s not just okay; it’s necessary. Crying isn’t weakness; it’s your body’s built-in release valve for pain and stress. Your tears are literally carrying stress hormones out of your body. Think about that. Our culture pushes this narrative of “bouncing back” and “good vibes only.” That’s toxic nonsense. You do not have to find the silver lining right now. You do not have to be grateful for the lesson. Right now, your only job is to survive. And that means honoring your sadness. Grief isn’t a straight line. You’ll have a good day, a day with a flicker of hope, and then you’ll wake up the next morning feeling like you’re back at square one.
That’s the rhythm of it. Let yourself have the bad days. Cancel your plans. Wear the same sweatpants for three days. Grieve the future you lost, because it was real to you, and it deserves to be mourned. Research from places like the University of California, Berkeley, shows that embracing the grieving process is critical for recovery after a major loss. By letting yourself be sad, you move through the grief instead of getting trapped by it.
How Do I Stop Remembering Only the Good Times?
Our brains are traitors after a breakup. They conveniently edit out all the bad parts and play a constant highlight reel of the good times. We forget the fights, the disappointments, the times we felt invisible. We just remember the laughter, the perfect vacation, the way he used to look at us. This romanticizing is a defense mechanism, but it keeps you stuck. You have to fight back with cold, hard facts. Get a pen and paper. On one side, list all the wonderful things. Let yourself miss them. Then, flip the paper over. On the other side, get brutally honest about everything that was wrong.
- The recurring arguments that never got solved.
- The moments you felt profoundly lonely, even lying next to him.
- The core differences in what you each wanted from life.
- The ways your needs were consistently ignored.
The point isn’t to make him a villain. It’s to create a whole, balanced picture. I kept a note in my phone called “Reasons It Didn’t Work.” Whenever my mind started to drift into a fantasy about how perfect it all was, I forced myself to read that list. It was an anchor of reality in an ocean of emotional chaos. It was a reminder that the relationship ended for very real reasons.
How Do I Find Myself Again When I Was Half of a “We”?
When you’re in a relationship for a long time, your identities start to bleed into each other. His friends become your friends, his taste in music seeps into your playlists, and “I” quietly becomes “we.” When the “we” is amputated, the empty space is jarring. You can look in the mirror and genuinely not recognize the person staring back. Who am I without him? This question isn’t the end; it’s the beginning. This is your chance to get reacquainted with yourself.
To ask yourself, for the first time in a long time, what you actually want. It’s about rediscovering your passions, your opinions, and your quirks, free from the influence of a partner. Start small. What did you love to do before you met him? What’s something you’ve always wanted to try? This isn’t about filling a man-shaped hole in your life. It’s about tending to your own garden, about building a life so vibrant and full that a partner becomes a wonderful bonus, not a requirement.
What Are Some Practical Things I Can Do to Reconnect With Myself?
Think of this as the process of dating yourself. Treat yourself with the same curiosity and effort you would a new crush. The mission is to build a life you are wildly in love with, all on your own.
Here are a few places to start:
- Take a solo trip. It doesn’t have to be a month in Italy. A day trip to a town you’ve never seen or a weekend camping trip can be radically empowering. It proves you can navigate the world alone.
- Learn something new. Sign up for that ridiculous pottery class, learn three chords on a guitar via YouTube, or finally figure out what everyone is talking about and take a coding class. Learning creates new pathways in your brain and is a massive confidence booster.
- Reclaim your space. Your home is full of his ghost. Exorcise it. Rearrange all the furniture, buy yourself the expensive sheets you always wanted, and paint a wall a bold color. Make it your sanctuary.
- Move your body differently. Exercise is nature’s antidepressant. If you’re tired of the gym, try something else. Go to a dance class, try rock climbing, or just put on a podcast and walk for an hour.
- Make a “joy list.” Brainstorm 20 small, specific things that genuinely make you happy. The smell of old books. The first sip of coffee. Driving with the windows down singing off-key. Intentionally do one thing from that list. Every single day.
How Do I Rebuild My Social Life?
A breakup doesn’t just leave a romantic void; it often takes a chunk of your social life with it. There are mutual friends, couple-friends, and the simple fact that you probably let some of your own friendships wither while you were wrapped up in the relationship. It’s time to reinvest. Call that friend you’ve been playing phone tag with for months. Be brutally honest about what you’re going through. Let people show up for you. After my worst breakup, I felt like a social leper.
All our friends were our friends. On a whim, I called a girl from college I hadn’t seen in a year. I just word-vomited the whole sad story. Without missing a beat, she said, “I’m on my way with pizza.” That night, sitting on my floor crying and laughing with her, was a turning point. It was the reminder that my support system was bigger than I thought, that I had a foundation of love that he had nothing to do with. That one call rebuilt a friendship that became a pillar of my healing. Don’t wait for people to reach out. Be the one to make the call.
Will I Honestly Ever Be Over Him?
This is the question that whispers to you at 2 a.m. The fear that this specific ache will be your new normal. The answer is yes, you will get over him. But it might not look the way you think. Getting over someone isn’t about erasing them. It’s not about forgetting the love or the laughter. It’s about the memories losing their sting. It’s when you can hear your song on the radio and feel a soft pang of nostalgia instead of a gut punch of pain.
You’ll be able to think of him and smile at a sweet memory, and then just… let it go. You’ll return to your present moment without the past dragging you under. The heartbreak will become a chapter in your story, not the whole book. It will be woven into the person you are becoming, but it will no longer define you. The pain will shrink, and in its place, a quiet, unshakeable strength will grow.
When Is It Okay to Even Think About Dating Again?
There’s no timeline. Anyone who gives you one is lying. It could be months. It could be a year. The right time has nothing to do with a calendar and everything to do with your heart. You’re ready to consider dating not when you’ve forgotten your ex, but when you no longer need a new person to feel okay. You’re ready when the thought of a first date sounds genuinely fun, not like a chore you have to complete to prove you’re still lovable.
You’re ready when you can sit across from someone new and be curious about their story, instead of just comparing them to your ex. The biggest mistake you can make is to use another person as a bandage. It’s not fair to them, and it won’t work for you. First, build a life that you are obsessed with. When you are happy and whole all on your own, you’ll attract people from a place of strength, not of need. Wait until you feel like the star of your own movie again. Then you can think about casting a co-star.
So, What Was the Point of All This Pain?
Eventually, the tears will dry up, and the fog will start to lift. In that new clarity, you get to ask yourself the most important question: What did I learn? Because heartbreak, for all its horrors, is one hell of a teacher. Maybe you learned how incredibly resilient you are. Maybe you finally got crystal clear on your non-negotiables for a partner. Maybe you learned, once and for all, that your happiness is an inside job, and the most important relationship you’ll ever nurture is the one you have with yourself.
This isn’t about blame. It’s about mining for wisdom. This heartbreak didn’t just happen to you; it happened for you. It was the earthquake that had to happen to clear the way for something better. It broke you open so you could heal, grow, and rebuild yourself into a version of you that is wiser, stronger, and more fiercely authentic than you were before. And the life you build on that new foundation? It’s going to be beautiful.
FAQ – How to Get Over Him
Will I ever really get over the pain of a breakup?
Yes, you will get over it, but not by forgetting your experiences. Over time, the pain will lessen, and you’ll be able to remember your past with fondness rather than heartbreak. Healing involves growing stronger and more resilient, with the pain shrinking into a chapter of your story rather than its entirety.
How do I rebuild my sense of identity after being part of a ‘we’ for so long?
Rebuilding your identity involves rediscovering your passions, interests, and opinions independent of your ex. Engage in activities you loved before, try new things, and focus on self-care. This process helps you reconnect with yourself and creates a vibrant life where a future partner is a bonus, not a necessity.
How can I deal with the overwhelming feelings after a breakup?
The best way to handle overwhelming feelings is to allow yourself to fully feel and express them. Spend time crying, writing, or screaming into a pillow to process your grief. This emotional release prevents feelings from building up into anxiety or anger and helps your wounds heal properly.
What is the importance of cutting off contact after a breakup?
Cutting off contact is crucial because it acts as an emotional detox, allowing your brain to reset and heal without being constantly stimulated by thoughts or images of your ex. It helps prevent setbacks caused by exposure to his social media or accidental interactions, giving you space to recover.
