Comparing Myself to Other Women: How to Stop for Good

I saw her picture and my stomach just… dropped. It was a woman from my industry, someone I tangentially know, announcing a massive career win. A win I desperately wanted. In that single second, my own accomplishments felt like Monopoly money. My progress felt glacial. The rest of my day was coated in this dull, gritty film of “not good enough.” That familiar, toxic internal monologue of comparing myself to other women had kicked in, and it was loud.

If this sounds even remotely familiar, you’re not broken. You’re human. So many of us are trapped in this silent, exhausting competition we never even signed up for. We put our bodies, our careers, our relationships, and even our private happiness on a scale and weigh it against a constantly shifting, perfectly curated feed of everyone else’s lives.

But here’s the truth I’ve had to learn the hard way, and it’s a truth that saved me: This comparison game has no winners. It has zero upside. It only steals your joy, saps your energy, and distracts you from the one life you are actually supposed to be living.

Yours.

The good news? You can quit the game. It’s not a switch, it’s a practice. It takes work, but it is absolutely possible to stop for good.

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Key Takeaways

• Comparing yourself to others is a deeply wired human habit. But that habit becomes toxic when it’s the main driver of your self-worth and robs you of your joy.
• Social media is the comparison catalyst. It’s an accelerant, presenting a “highlight reel” of other people’s lives that we inevitably compare to our messy, unedited “behind-the-scenes” reality.
• Identifying your specific triggers—whether it’s a particular person, a specific platform, or just a feeling of insecurity—is the first, non-negotiable step to breaking the cycle.
• Stopping a comparison spiral in the moment is a skill you can learn. It involves mindfulness (seeing the thought), acknowledging it without judgment, and consciously redirecting your focus to something real.
• The long-term solution isn’t about ignoring other women. It’s about building robust self-compassion, defining your own version of success, and, finally, learning how to turn toxic envy into genuine inspiration.

Why Can’t I Stop Comparing Myself to Other Women?

If you’re beating yourself up for this, please take a breath. Let’s start with some grace. This isn’t a personal failing. It’s not a flaw in your character. It’s a piece of ancient human programming.

For millennia, our ancestors survived by understanding their place in the social hierarchy. Sizing ourselves up against others wasn’t vanity; it was survival. It helped us learn, stay safe, and figure out the “rules” of the tribe. “Oh, she ate those berries and got sick. I won’t eat them.” “He’s the best hunter; I’ll watch what he does.” On a very basic, primal level, your brain is just trying to do its job by gathering social information.

The problem is, that ancient, caveman-era software is now running in a modern world it was never designed for.

Instead of a small, stable tribe of 150 people, we now have digital access to a “tribe” of billions. We’re not just comparing ourselves to the best baker in our village; we’re comparing ourselves to the best bakers, CEOs, supermodels, artists, and productivity gurus in the entire world, all delivered 24/7 through a glowing screen in our pocket.

That old wiring gets overloaded. It short-circuits. The “informational” comparison (“What can I learn?”) instantly morphs into a toxic judgment (“Why am I not her?”).

This shift is where the pain begins. It’s the gap between “information” and “inadequacy.” And most of us live in that gap.

Is It Just Me, or Is Everyone Else’s Life Perfect on Instagram?

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. Social media. It’s a comparison factory, and it’s running at full capacity.

Have you ever found yourself scrolling, feeling perfectly fine one minute, and then—bam—suddenly you feel broke, unsuccessful, out of shape, and frumpy the next? That’s not an accident. That is the algorithm working exactly as designed. It shows you the shiniest, most filtered, most enviable, and most successful-looking content to keep you engaged.

Why? Because engagement (likes, comments, and especially your time) is what they sell to advertisers. Your peace of mind is the price of admission.

People post their wins, not their failures. They post the vacation photo, not the credit card bill that paid for it. They post the smiling anniversary selfie, not the silent, tense car ride that happened an hour before. They post the “I’m so excited to announce…” not the 50 rejection emails that preceded it.

We are all, consciously or unconsciously, curating a “highlight reel.”

I remember this one time so clearly. It’s burned into my brain. I was having a truly awful week at work. I mean, just terrible. I’d been passed over for a project I’d pitched my heart out for, I was drowning in mind-numbing admin, and I felt completely and totally invisible. I opened Instagram on my 15-minute lunch break, and the first post I saw was a friend-of-a-friend on a stunning, sun-drenched beach in Greece. Caption: “Just living my best life.”

My stomach didn’t just drop; it plummeted. It was a physical blow. The contrast between her curated, cinematic perfection and my messy, mustard-stained-shirt reality was just… too much. It took me hours to shake that feeling of inadequacy.

We know it’s not real. We know this intellectually. But our brains struggle to differentiate. We’re comparing our raw, unedited, behind-the-scenes footage to their final, color-graded, audio-mixed, cinematic trailer.

It’s a comparison we can never, ever win.

What’s the Big Deal? Isn’t a Little Comparison Healthy?

This is a question I hear a lot, especially from people who are high-achievers. “Doesn’t it push us to be better?” “Isn’t it a motivator?”

And in a very small, specific way, they’re not totally wrong. Seeing someone run a marathon might inspire you to go for a jog. That’s inspiration. It’s positive. It creates energy. It opens a door.

Toxic comparison, the kind we’re talking about, does the opposite. It drains energy. It slams doors.

Inspiration says, “Wow, look at what’s possible. Maybe I could do something cool, too.” Comparison says, “Look at what she has. You’ll never be able to do that, so why even try?”

See the difference?

This kind of comparison is a thief. It is a joy-stealing, peace-robbing, energy-sucking vampire. It’s closely linked to feelings of envy, resentment, anxiety, and even depression. It makes you feel “less than,” which is a terrible, shaky foundation from which to build a life.

It’s not a motivator; it’s a paralyzer.

And it has real-world costs. It’s the money you spend on things you don’t need to impress people you don’t even like. It’s the time you waste obsessing instead of creating. It’s the career choices you make based on status instead of fulfillment. It’s the relationships you sabotage because you’re too busy scorekeeping. The cost is high. Way too high.

Am I Wasting My Life by Focusing on Hers?

Honestly? Yes, a little.

Think about it this way: Your focus is your most valuable currency. It is the raw material of the life you are building. Every single minute, you are spending it somewhere.

Are you spending it on her feed, her accomplishments, her relationships, her body? Or are you spending it on your goals, your health, your people, your peace?

Every ounce of mental energy you give to envying her success is energy you’re not using to build your own. It’s a zero-sum game.

The act of constantly comparing myself to other women was, for a long time, my biggest distraction. It was a painful, but surprisingly effective, way to avoid asking myself the hard questions. Questions like, “What do I really want?” and “What am I actually willing to do to get it?”

Staring at her life was easier than digging into my own. It was a procrastination tool for my own potential. It let me off the hook for taking responsibility for my own happiness.

How Do I Figure Out What Makes Me Compare Myself?

You can’t fix a problem until you understand it. You can’t heal a wound you refuse to look at. So, the next time you feel that familiar, hot-stomach pang of “less than,” don’t just shove it down. Don’t numb it with scrolling or food or work.

Get curious.

Become a detective of your own mind. Grab a mental notebook and ask yourself:

• What just happened? Be a reporter. “I was scrolling Instagram.” “I was in a work meeting.” “I was talking to my mom.” “I was just sitting on the couch feeling bored.”
• Who was the ‘target’? Was it a total stranger? A celebrity? A close friend? A colleague? A frenemy?
• What, specifically, did I feel envious of? Be precise. Was it her looks? Her job title? Her new house? Her relationship? The way her partner looked at her? Her seemingly effortless confidence? The fact that she was on vacation?
• How was I feeling right before this? This is the big one. This is the key. Was I already tired, stressed, bored, hungry, or lonely?

We are so much more vulnerable to the comparison spiral when our own tanks are empty. It’s rarely about the other person. It’s almost always about our own unmet needs or insecurities.

I did this for a week, just noticing, no judgment. It was… illuminating. And a little embarrassing. I realized my biggest trigger wasn’t celebrities or “perfect” influencers. It was women in my own professional field who were just a few steps ahead of me. Seeing someone land a project I wanted or get praise from a leader I admired would send me into a tailspin.

It wasn’t about her new shoes. It was about my own deep-seated fears about my career, my talent, and my future. It was professional envy, plain and simple. Once I could name it, I could finally start to deal with it.

Is It a Person, a Place, or Just a Feeling?

Your triggers will be unique to you. But they usually fall into a few common categories. Understanding them gives you power. It helps you anticipate the spiral and protect your peace before it’s even challenged.

• The People: This is the obvious one. It could be a specific person—a high-achieving sibling, a “perfect” friend who seems to have it all, a rival at work. It might not even be someone you dislike! Sometimes we compare ourselves most to the people we admire, and that feels extra complicated.
• The Places (Digital or Physical): For most of us, this is digital. Instagram is often about lifestyle, beauty, and family. LinkedIn is about career and financial success. Even Facebook, with its onslaught of engagements, babies, and new homes, can be a minefield. For you, it might also be a physical place, like the gym, a competitive work environment, or certain family gatherings where everyone “updates” (i.e., compares) their lives.
• The Feelings: This is the sneakiest trigger. Sometimes, the comparison isn’t sparked by an external cue but an internal one. When you’re feeling insecure, bored, lonely, or uncertain about your future, your brain is more likely to go “shopping” for proof that everyone else has it figured out. The empty feeling comes first, and the scrolling is just a way to confirm our worst fears.

Common Trigger Hotspots (A Quick-List):

• Social media feeds (especially Instagram and LinkedIn).
• Work environments (hearing about promotions, projects, or salaries).
• Social gatherings (reunions, weddings, parties where people share “updates”).
• Family events (especially if there are spoken or unspoken expectations).
• Moments of personal self-doubt or failure.
• Evenings, when you’re tired and your willpower is at its lowest.

Okay, I Know My Triggers. Now What?

Awareness is step one. Action is step two.

This is where you actively, consciously curate your life to support your mental health. This isn’t about hiding in a cave or sticking your head in the sand. It’s about building a better, safer, more supportive home for your mind.

The single most practical, life-changing thing you can do? Curate your digital world mercilessly.

You are the bouncer of your own brain. You get to decide who and what gets in. Go to your social media feeds right now. Or schedule 15 minutes this weekend. Look at each person you follow. Ask yourself one simple question: “How does this person’s content make me feel?”

Not “should” feel. Not “they’re a nice person so I ‘should’ be happy for them.” How do you actually feel?

If someone’s posts consistently make you feel “less than,” inadequate, or just plain bad… you have options.

You don’t have to digitally execute them. The “mute” button is a gift from the heavens. You can mute their posts, mute their stories, mute them both. They will never know, and you will have peace. It is a beautiful, quiet act of self-preservation.

The “unfollow” button is even more powerful. And let’s talk about the guilt. You might feel guilty. “But she’s my friend from college!” “But he’s my cousin!” It’s not mean. It’s not a personal attack. It’s a boundary. It’s self-preservation. You are under no obligation to consume content that makes you feel bad about yourself. Period.

Fill your feed with people who inspire you (in a good way), teach you, or just make you laugh. Follow artists, gardeners, comedians, and pets. Follow people who make you feel good. It’s that simple.

How Can I Stop a Comparison Spiral in Its Tracks?

You’re scrolling. You see it. The perfect house. The promotion. The post-baby body. The engagement ring. You feel the spiral starting. Your heart tightens, your thoughts start to race, your stomach does that awful lurch.

What do you do right now?

This is a 4-step mental circuit-breaker. Practice it.

1. Acknowledge and Label. Stop. Don’t fight the thought; that gives it more power. Just notice it. And label it. Say to yourself, “Ah, that’s a comparison thought.” Or, “I’m having a comparison moment.” Labeling it takes it from “a fact about reality” to “a thing my brain is doing.” It demotes it from “truth” to “thought.”
2. Breathe. So simple. So stupidly effective. Take one deep, conscious breath. In for four counts, hold for four, out for six. This small, physical action calms your nervous system. It creates a tiny bit of space between the trigger and your reaction.
3. Ground Yourself. Get out of your head and into your body. Right now. Look around the room and name five things you can see. Name four things you can touch. Name three things you can hear. Name two things you can smell. Name one thing you can taste (even if it’s just the-inside-of-your-mouth taste). This mindfulness trick breaks the chain of anxious thought and pulls you back to the present moment. Your real moment.
4. Redirect. Close the app. Put your phone down. Stand up. Go get a glass of water. Stretch your arms overhead. Look out the window. Pet your dog. Change your physical state, even for 30 seconds. This signals to your brain that the “threat” (the comparison) is over and you are safe.

This whole process can take less than a minute. You’re training your brain that just because the “comparison” alarm goes off, it doesn’t mean you have to evacuate the building. You can just note the alarm and get back to your day.

What Should I Focus on Instead of Other Women?

This is the fun part. This is where you stop pruning the weeds and start planting flowers.

Nature abhors a vacuum. If you just try to “stop” comparing, your brain will struggle. It’s like trying not to think of a pink elephant. You have to give it something better to focus on.

That something is you.

The ultimate antidote to comparing yourself to others is to be deeply, richly, and satisfyingly rooted in your own life. And the best, most direct way to do that is with gratitude.

I know, I know. “Gratitude” can sound so cheesy, like a throw-pillow slogan or a bland corporate poster. But it works on a neurological level. You cannot be in a state of envy and a state of genuine gratitude at the same time. They are mutually exclusive.

When I was at my worst with this, I started a “win jar.” It felt ridiculous at first. My therapist suggested it, and I rolled my eyes. But I was desperate, so I did it. I got an old pasta sauce jar. At the end of every day, I had to write down one thing I was proud of, one good thing that happened, or one small win. Any win.

“Finished a tough workout.” “Cooked a healthy dinner instead of ordering pizza.” “Didn’t snap at my coworker.” “Got out of bed on time.” “Paid a bill.”

I wrote it on a tiny slip of paper and put it in the jar. When I felt that comparison bug creeping in, I’d pull out a few slips and read them. It was tangible, physical proof that my life had good things in it, too. It was a reminder of my own, real, often-tiny progress.

I was, in effect, watering my own grass. And slowly, but surely, it started to look greener.

Can I Build ‘Immunity’ to Comparing Myself?

I don’t know about full “immunity.” As we’ve discussed, it’s a very human reflex. But you can absolutely build up powerful antibodies. You can build resilience so strong that when the comparison thought does pop up, it’s just a mild “hm” instead of a day-ruining event.

The number one way to do this is by practicing self-compassion.

We are often our own worst critics. We are so, so mean to ourselves. We talk to ourselves in ways we would never dream of talking to a friend. Or even a stranger.

Self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you would offer to a good friend. When you “fail,” or “mess up,” or feel inadequate… instead of a (mental) verbal beating, you offer yourself warmth and understanding.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in this field, breaks self-compassion down into three core parts. According to her research, this is what it looks like in practice:

1. Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment: This is about being warm and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring your pain or whipping yourself with self-criticism.
2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation: This is the huge one. This is about recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience. Everyone feels this way. You’re not alone in it. The comparison thought isn’t “your” special, broken problem; it’s a “human” problem.
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification: This is about taking a balanced approach to your negative emotions. You don’t suppress them, but you also don’t become them. You just observe them without judgment. “Wow, I am feeling a lot of envy right now.” (There’s that labeling again!)

Practicing this builds an internal, stable sense of self-worth. Your worth isn’t dependent on being “better than” others. It’s not dependent on your last win or your salary. It’s an internal, unconditional state. It’s your anchor.

How Do I Find My Own Definition of Success?

So much of our comparison comes from chasing someone else’s definition of a “good life.” It’s a definition we’ve absorbed from our parents, our culture, and, of course, social media.

We see a woman with a high-powered career and think, “I should want that.” We see a woman with a perfect-looking family and think, “I’m failing if I don’t have that.” We see a woman with a minimalist, all-white house and think, “My cluttered house is a moral failing.”

We are trying to win a race we never even signed up for. We are playing a game with a rulebook written by someone else.

It’s time to write your own rulebook.

What does “success” actually mean to you? Not to your parents. Not to your boss. Not to Instagram. To you.

Grab a notebook. Seriously. Go somewhere quiet. Spend 10 minutes (or 60) and just brain-dump answers to these questions. No judgment. Just write.

• What makes me feel alive and energized?
• What drains me, no matter how “successful” it looks on the outside?
• What did I love doing as a kid, before anyone told me what I “should” be?
• If I had no one to please and no one to impress, what would my perfect, average Tuesday look like? From morning to night.
• What values are non-negotiable for me? (e.g., freedom, security, creativity, family, impact, peace, adventure?) List your top 5.
• When do I feel most like myself?
• Who are the people I actually enjoy being around? How do they live?

This is the start of building your internal compass. This is your True North.

When you know what you truly value, other people’s accomplishments lose their power over you. You can genuinely be happy for them, because you know you’re on a different path, running a different race. Your race.

What’s the Difference Between ‘Her’ Success and My Success?

This was the biggest, most profound unlock for me.

I had a colleague I was deeply, shamefully envious of. She was an 80-hour-a-week workhorse. She was always the first to email, the last to log off, and she got all the high-profile, “important” projects. I wanted that recognition. I wanted those projects. I compared my “balanced” workload to hers and felt like a slacker. I felt like I was losing.

Then, I did that values exercise. I realized that my top values were “creativity,” “family,” and “health.”

I looked at her life. She was winning. She was crushing it… at her values, which were clearly something like “ambition” and “achievement.”

But in chasing her definition of success, I was sacrificing my own. I was working too late to cook healthy meals (goodbye, “health”). I was too stressed and tired to be present with my family (goodbye, “family”). And I had zero brain space left for any of my creative hobbies (goodbye, “creativity”).

That’s when it clicked. It was like a lightbulb exploded in my brain.

Her success wasn’t my success. And her success was coming at a cost I was not willing to pay.

I didn’t stop admiring her work ethic. But I stopped envying her life. I started setting firm boundaries at 5:30 PM. I started using my free time for a painting class. I started “winning” at my life. It was a total, radical, and freeing shift.

Is It Ever Good to Look at What Other Women Are Doing?

Absolutely. One hundred percent, yes.

The goal of this is not to live with blinders on, resentful and isolated. The goal is to move from a “scarcity mindset” to an “abundance mindset.”

A scarcity mindset says, “There’s only one pie. If she gets a big slice, that means there’s less for me.” This is where envy, comparison, and resentment live. An abundance mindset says, “There are infinite pies. We can all eat. In fact, let’s bake some pies together. Let’s share recipes.” This is where community, inspiration, and collaboration live.

When you see a woman winning, you have a choice.

You can let it make you feel small (scarcity). Or you can let it make you feel expansive (abundance).

You can choose to see her success as proof of possibility.

If she can start that business, it means it’s possible for a woman like you to start a business. If she can negotiate that raise, it’s a reminder that you can negotiate, too. If she can set that boundary, it’s a model for you to follow.

Her win doesn’t take anything from you. It lights up the path. It shows you what’s possible.

How Do I Shift from “I Wish I Had That” to “I’m So Happy for Her”?

This is an advanced move. This is the black-belt of comparison-busting. It’s the “flip” I mentioned. When you feel that ugly, hot pang of envy, you can learn to flip it. This is how you turn poison into medicine.

The Envy-to-Inspiration Flip:

• Acknowledge the Envy: Don’t pretend you don’t feel it. Name it. “Wow. I am feeling a lot of envy about her new house.” Be honest.
• Get Curious (The 5 Whys): What are you really wanting? Dig under the envy. It’s almost never the thing itself.
  • “I’m envious of her house.” Why?
  • “Because it’s big and beautiful.” Why do I want that?
  • “Because it seems so stable and secure.” Why do I want that?
  • “Because my apartment feels small and my finances feel shaky.” Why?
  • “Because I’m scared I’m not a ‘real’ adult.” Ah.
  • See? It’s not about the house. It’s about a feeling of security and adulthood.
• Find the Inspiration: The envy is a signpost. It’s pointing directly at something you desire. Okay, you want a feeling of security. How can you move 1% closer to that, in your own life, right now? Can you set up an automatic savings plan for $50 a month? Can you declutter your own apartment to make it feel more like a sanctuary? Use the energy of the envy and redirect it toward your life.
• Celebrate Her (Even If You Have to Fake It at First): This rewires your brain. Send her the “congrats!” message. Like the post. Tell a friend, “How great is it that she got that promotion?” The more you practice celebrating other women, the more it becomes a genuine reflex. It fosters a sense of community, and it tells your brain, over and over, that her win is not your loss. We’re on the same team.

So, What’s the First Step to Stop Comparing Myself for Good?

You’ve just read a lot. You’re aware. You’re motivated. But you might also be a little overwhelmed. That’s okay. That’s normal.

You don’t have to (and you can’t) fix this overnight. This is not another thing to be “perfect” at. This is not another “project” to beat yourself up over.

This is a practice. A gentle, one-day-at-a-time practice of unlearning and coming home to yourself.

So, what’s the very first step? Don’t try to do all of these things at once. Just pick one.

Maybe your one thing is to mute one person on Instagram today. Maybe it’s to write down three small “wins” before you go to bed tonight. Maybe it’s just to notice your comparison thoughts without judging yourself for having them.

Start small. Be kind. And be patient. You are unhooking yourself from a lifetime of social conditioning. It’s big, important work.

And you are worth the effort.

Your life is waiting for you to pay attention to it.

FAQ – Comparing Myself to Other Women