Is He Too Close With His Ex? How to Know for Sure

That sick feeling when her name pops up on his phone. We’ve all been there, right? You start playing detective, over-analyzing every “harmless” lunch or stupid inside joke you see online. It’s exhausting. It’s one of the worst, most draining parts of a new relationship, and you’re stuck in a loop: “Am I just being jealous? Am I crazy? Or is he really too close to his ex?”

Okay, let’s get one thing straight. That feeling in your gut? That’s not you “being crazy.” That’s your built-in alarm system, and it’s blaring for a reason. It’s telling you something is off, even if you can’t point to it. So, think of this as your new playbook. We’re going to spell out the obvious signs their little “friendship” is crossing a line. We’ll show you the difference between real co-parenting and all-out emotional cheating. And we’ll talk about what to do when you find out your fears are real. You deserve to be number one, period. It’s time to find out for sure.

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Key Takeaways

Need answers fast? Here’s the bottom line.

• Trust Your Gut: That sick, plunging feeling is your alarm system. Don’t brush it off as “just jealousy.” It’s telling you something.
• Secrecy is a GIGANTIC Red Flag: Hiding texts, deleting calls, lying about where he’s going… innocent people don’t do that.
• Emotional Cheating is the Real Problem: So what if he’s not sleeping with her? Is he running to her with all his problems? Is he telling her about your fights? That’s an emotional affair.
• Boundaries Aren’t Control: Asking for respect isn’t “controlling.” It’s about protecting your relationship. His reaction to you asking is what tells you everything.
• Look for Patterns: A single text is just a text. A non-stop, daily pattern of contact where he puts her first? That’s the real problem.

Why Does His Closeness With His Ex Bother You So Much?

Before we dig into his behavior, let’s talk about yours. Your feelings are 100% normal. You’re not ‘crazy.’ You’re not ‘jealous for no reason.’ This situation is a threat! Let’s be real, this isn’t just some random friend. This is the woman he used to sleep with, used to love, used to build a life with. That’s a huge deal.

Feeling this way is just human. It pokes at all our worst fears: being betrayed, not being “enough,” being replaced. But just because the feelings are “natural” doesn’t mean they’re wrong. It just means you’re a person. The real question is: Are his actions calming those fears, or is he throwing gasoline on them?

Is It Just Insecurity, or Is Your Gut Telling You Something?

It’s the first thing we do, right? We blame ourselves. “I’m just being insecure.” But hold on. Let’s figure out if this is just your usual baggage or if this is real-deal intuition.

• General Insecurity: This is when you feel this way about everyone. His co-worker, the waitress, his high school friend. It’s that nagging feeling you carry with you, and it’s usually more about your past than his present.
• Specific Gut Feeling: This is when you’re cool with everyone else… but then she texts. And that sick, plunging feeling in your stomach is only for her. That’s your gut screaming, “Hey! Pay attention!” It’s reacting to a real-life pattern: the way he hides his phone, the late-night calls, the weird defensiveness. That’s not insecurity, honey. That’s you being a good detective.

What Are the Most Common Fears in This Situation?

When he’s this tangled up with his ex, your mind can go to some really dark places. And these fears are real.

• Am I always being compared to her? Does he secretly wish I cooked like her, or laughed at his jokes the way she did?
• Am I in second place? Am I just getting his leftover time and energy while she still gets the “real” him, the part he’s hiding from me?
• Are they just… waiting? This is the worst one. Are they just waiting for the right time to get back together? Am I just the person he’s with for now?

What Does a “Healthy” Friendship With an Ex Even Look Like?

It’s hard to know what’s “too close” if you don’t know what “normal” looks like. Here’s the secret: a healthy, respectful friendship with an ex is boring. It’s open, it’s not hidden, and it always respects you and your spot in his life.

Are They Co-Parenting or Just… Talking?

This is the number one excuse, especially with kids. And look, co-parenting demands communication. They have to talk about schedules, doctor’s visits, school, and all the kid stuff.

But there’s a huge, glaring line between co-parenting and using the kids as an excuse to stay attached at the hip. A “quick call about soccer” shouldn’t magically turn into a 45-minute giggle-fest about old times. Using the kids as a human shield for an emotional affair is a classic, shady move.

Signs of a Respectful, Platonic Ex-Relationship

If it’s all good, it’ll probably look like this:

• It’s all out in the open. He doesn’t flip his phone over when she calls. He’ll just say, “Oh, that’s [Ex’s Name] about soccer pickup.” No secrets.
• It’s 90% “business.” The conversation is about logistics. Schedules. Kid stuff. Shared legal things. It’s not personal.
• You are included. He makes you feel comfortable. He introduces you. If you’re all at a school play, he stands with you and includes you in the chat. He doesn’t ditch you to go have a private huddle.
• He leans on you, not her. He doesn’t call her to bitch about his day. She doesn’t call him crying about her new boyfriend. That job is yours.

The Red Flags: How Do You Know If He Is Too Close With His Ex?

All right, here’s the checklist. These are the real, “you’re-not-imagining-it” signs that their “friendship” is a problem for your relationship.

How Often Are They Communicating? (The Frequency Test)

People who are truly “just friends” and are over each other don’t need to talk all day, every day. Ask yourself:

• Do they text “good morning” or “good night”? (That’s a huge, flashing red light).
• Is she the first person he texts with good news or bad news? Before you?
• Is his phone just a non-stop river of dings back and forth with her?
• Does he interrupt your time—your date, your movie, your conversation—to answer her?

A check-in about the kids is one thing. A constant, daily text-buddy setup is a whole different attachment.

What Are They Talking About? (The Content Test)

This is even more important. If you’ve seen the messages or overheard, what’s the topic?

• His Feelings: Is he telling her things he hasn’t told you? (“My boss is a nightmare,” “I’m worried about my mom,” “I’m feeling really down.”)
• Inside Jokes: Are they always laughing about “that one time in…”? That’s just building a private fence around themselves, with you on the outside.
• Trips Down Memory Lane: “Remember that trip to Maui?” “I just drove past our old apartment.” That’s not friendship. That’s spoon-feeding the old romance.
• Talking about you: This is the ultimate betrayal. If he’s complaining about you, or worse, asking her for advice on your fights, he has crossed a line you can’t come back from.

Is He Hiding Their Conversations From You?

This is the big one. Why would you hide something that’s “so innocent”? People who aren’t doing anything wrong don’t act like spies. This is the clearest sign that he knows it’s wrong.

• Does he angle his phone screen away when she texts?
• Does he snap his laptop shut when you walk in the room?
• Did he suddenly change his passcode?
• Does he leave the room and go to the garage to take her calls?
• Does he get super defensive and weird if you just ask, “Hey, who was that?”
• Do you just know he’s deleting their text threads?

He’s hiding it because he knows it’s shady. He knows it would hurt you. Trust that.

Does He Compare You to Her, Even Subtly?

This is just plain toxic. It doesn’t matter if it sounds “good” or “bad.” It means she’s still the person he’s measuring you against.

• The “Compliment”: “You’re so much more chill than [Ex’s Name] was.” Sounds nice, right? But it means he’s actively comparing you.
• The “Casual” Mention: “Oh, [Ex’s Name] used to make this, but she always…” This shows she’s still living in his head as a reference point.
• The Defensive: You make a new dish. He makes a weird face. You ask what’s up. He says, “Nothing, it’s just… never mind.” He’s comparing.

You deserve to be your own person, not the “new and improved” version of his ex.

Is He Her Go-To Person for Emotional Support?

This right here is an emotional affair. Is he still her “person”? When her car breaks down, when she’s sick, when she has a fight with her new guy, is your partner the first person she calls?

If he’s her shoulder to cry on, her 911, and her personal advisor, he’s giving her the emotional energy that belongs to you. He’s still acting as her partner. A man with boundaries would say, “I’m sorry, that’s rough, but that’s not my place. You should call your friends.”

How Does He Act When All Three of You Are Together?

Next time you’re all in the same room (a school play, a party), just watch. Don’t listen, watch. His body language will tell you everything.

• Does he seem super tense and awkward, like he’s trying to juggle two hot potatoes?
• Is he checking on her comfort more than yours? (“Are you okay? Can I get you a drink?”)
• Do they lock eyes across the room and share a private laugh?
• Does he suddenly get louder or “perform” when he knows she’s watching?
• Or does he ignore her so hard that it’s just as weird and loud as talking to her?

A man who is with you will plant himself by your side. He’ll make it clear you’re his partner, and she’s just… someone else.

What About Social Media? Are They Too Connected Online?

Sometimes the biggest red flags are digital, where they can build a whole world you’re not supposed to see.

Is He “Liking” Every Single Thing She Posts?

Liking a big announcement (new job, kid graduated) is fine. But is he “liking” every selfie, every meme, every “drinking coffee” update? That’s called “orbiting.” He’s staying on her radar, sending a little ping: “I’m still watching you.”

Are They Tagging Each Other in Memes or Old Photos?

Tagging someone in a meme is just a modern-day inside joke. It’s a way of saying, “I’m thinking of you, and no one else gets this.”

And tagging each other in old “throwback” photos from when they were a couple? That’s 100% unacceptable and a massive “screw you” to your relationship.

What Do Their Public Comments Say?

Look at the actual words. Are his comments on her selfies a little too thirsty? (“Wow, looking amazing!”) Are they full of old nicknames? (“So typical, [Nickname]!”). This isn’t “friends.” This is flirting, or at least, keeping an old flame on life support.

The “Special Occasions” Trap: Are They Still Celebrating Milestones Together?

Routines and traditions are the glue that keeps people bonded. If he’s still doing “couple” traditions with her, that bond isn’t broken.

Does He Still Buy Her Birthday or Holiday Gifts?

A group “Happy Bday” text from him and the kids is normal. A personally chosen, thoughtful gift that he spent time and money on? That’s a partner-level gesture. It means he’s spending energy thinking just about her. That’s too intimate.

Do They Have “Anniversary” Dates, Even If They’re Disguised?

Be on the lookout for an “anniversary” that isn’t their wedding anniversary.

• “We always grab a coffee on the anniversary of our old dog’s death.”
• “We just have to go to [Restaurant] on the first sunny day; it was ‘our thing’.”

These are just excuses to keep their private traditions alive and guarantee one-on-one time. They’re dates. Don’t let him tell you otherwise.

What About Her Family? Is He Still Close With Them?

This one’s tricky. If they were married for 15 years, he’s going to have a bond with her family. But is he still enmeshed with them, separate from you?

• Is he going to her parents’ house for Sunday dinner (and you’re not invited)?
• Is he on a text chain with her mom or her sister?
• Is he going over to help her dad fix his sink?

His loyalty is to you and the new life you’re building. He’s not part of that family anymore. A separate, active social life with his ex-in-laws is a huge sign he hasn’t fully left.

The Ultimate Test: Is He Prioritizing Her Feelings Over Yours?

It all boils down to this. When there’s a choice, whose feelings does he protect? Yours, or hers?

When You Express Discomfort, How Does He React?

This is it. The moment of truth. You calmly, calmly say, “It makes me feel uncomfortable when you and [Ex’s Name] text every night.” Now, shut up and listen to his answer.

• The Right Response: “Wow, I had no idea it made you feel that way. I’m so sorry. Of course I can stop. You’re my priority, and I would never want to hurt you.”
• The Wrong Response (Gaslighting): “What? That’s crazy. We’re just friends! You’re being paranoid.”
• The Wrong Response (Blaming): “This is your jealousy problem, not my problem. You can’t control me!”
• The Wrong Response (Dismissing): “It’s not a big deal. You’re overreacting.”

A man who is committed to you will hear you, apologize, and change his behavior to protect your feelings. A man who is still attached to her will defend their connection and make you the bad guy.

Is He Unwilling to Set Clear Boundaries With Her?

After you have this talk, what does he do? If you ask him to please keep the non-kid texts to a minimum, does he? Or does he just agree to your face and then get sneakier about it?

If he flat-out refuses—”I’m not going to stop being her friend”—he is telling you everything you need to know. He’s saying, “My connection to my ex is more important than your security.” Listen to him. He’s telling you the truth.

Does He Cancel Plans With You to Help Her?

Is he still her personal 911? If he ditches your date night because “she had a bad day and needed to talk,” he just showed you, plain as day, who his number one priority is.

Unless it’s a true, life-or-death emergency that only he can handle (which is almost never), his response to her “crisis” should be, “I’m sorry, I have plans with [Your Name]. You should call one of your friends.”

If he drops everything for her, he’s not fully your partner. He’s still working for her.

So, You’ve Confirmed It. He Is Definitely Too Close With His Ex. What Now?

This is a terrible, sinking feeling, but it’s also powerful. You’re not crazy. Your gut was right. And now, you get to decide what happens next.

First, Get Clear on Your Own Boundaries.

You can’t have this talk until you know exactly what you need. “Just stop talking to her” is too big and won’t work. Be specific and reasonable.

• Good Boundary: “I’m fine with you texting about the kids, but I’m not comfortable with you two texting all night about personal stuff.”
• Good Boundary: “I need to know our relationship is private. I am not okay with you talking to her about our arguments or my personal life.”
• Good Boundary: “I’m not comfortable with you two hanging out one-on-one. If it’s a kid event, I’d like to be there as your partner.”

How to Have “The Talk” Without Starting a Fight

Your goal here is to be heard, not to win. Pick a calm time, not when you’re already mad.

1. Talk about your feelings. This is everything. Don’t accuse. Explain how his actions make you feel.
   • Instead of: “You talk to her all the time, it’s so disrespectful!”
   • Try: “I feel hurt and a little bit invisible when I see texts from her every night. It makes me feel like I’m not your number one.”
2. State Your Need: “I need to feel like I’m the most important woman in your life.”
3. Make Your Request: “Would you be willing to keep your texts to just being about the kids?”

As the University of Rochester’s advice on relationship boundaries points out, “Healthy boundaries are a critical component of self-care” and a healthy relationship. This isn’t about controlling him; it’s about what you require to feel safe and respected. Read more on the importance of boundaries in relationships.

What Is a Non-Negotiable Boundary?

You get to decide what your hard lines are. For most people, they look like this:

• She is not his therapist. He does not go to her for emotional support. Period.
• No more secrets. No deleting texts or lying about calls.
• No romantic talk. No “I miss you,” “love you,” or trips down memory lane.
• You come first. He does not cancel your plans to go help her (barring a real emergency).
• Your relationship is private. He does not, ever, discuss your fights or private life with her.

What If He Refuses to Change?

If he refuses, that’s your answer. It’s a painful one, but it’s crystal clear. You can’t make anyone change. You can only control your own next move.

If you’ve calmly laid out your feelings and needs, and he dismisses you, calls you crazy, or just plain refuses, he has made his choice. He has chosen his unresolved tie to her over a secure, happy future with you.

This isn’t your failure. It’s just information. He’s showing you what he’s choosing. Now you have a choice: Can you live with being in a relationship with both of them, or do you respect yourself enough to find someone who will make you their one and only, no question?

A Final Note on Co-Parenting: Where Are the Lines?

Let’s be extra clear about this, because this gray area is where all the confusion lives. He has to talk to her. So, how do you know?

Healthy Co-Parenting Is:

• All business. It’s about schedules, health, and school.
• Totally transparent.
• Civil and polite, but it’s not “friendly.”

Unhealthy Enmeshment Is:

• Using the kids as an excuse to talk 24/7.
• Long, frequent, personal phone calls.
• Trying to “play family” for the kids (which just confuses them).
• Asking her for advice on his new life, or giving her advice on hers.

You can be his biggest supporter as a dad. You can say this: “I will do everything to support you being a great father, and I will always be respectful to your ex. My only boundary is that our relationship, our private life, stays separate and comes first.”

Your Security Is Not Negotiable

You are not asking for too much. Wanting to feel secure, to be prioritized, and to be the only romantic and emotional partner in his life is the minimum requirement for a relationship.

If his actions with his ex consistently make you feel anxious, small, or disrespected, trust that feeling. You’ve seen the signs. You know what’s right and what’s wrong. The final answer to “Is he too close?” isn’t just in what he’s doing—it’s in his refusal to stop when he knows it’s breaking your heart. You deserve better.

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