It’s a special kind of confusing, isn’t it? One minute, his words make you feel like you’re floating. “I love you.” “You’re the only one for me.” They’re the perfect words, everything you’ve longed to hear. Then comes the silence. The crushing, deafening silence. Plans evaporate into thin air. Calls go straight to voicemail. The emotional chasm between you feels a million miles wide. It’s a painful, dizzying contradiction that leaves you standing in the rubble of his promises, wondering if you just made it all up. If you’re constantly thinking, he says he loves me but his actions show otherwise, please know this: you are not alone.
And you’re not crazy. That feeling is your intuition, and it’s screaming for you to pay attention. Let’s be honest: words are cheap. They’re just air. But actions? Actions have weight. They demand effort. They require someone to actually do something. They show you, without a shadow of a doubt, where a person’s heart truly is. When the story he’s telling you feels like a fairytale but the reality he’s giving you is a mess, it’s time to listen less and watch more. Because love isn’t something you just say. It’s something you do.
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Key Takeaways
- Actions Are the Real Truth: Genuine love is proven through consistent effort, not just poetic words. If his behavior constantly contradicts his promises, that’s the only red flag you need.
- That Gut Feeling Is Your Guide: Don’t dismiss your anxiety or confusion as “overthinking.” It’s your internal alarm system telling you that something is fundamentally wrong.
- Inconsistency Is a Decision: His failure to show up for you isn’t an accident. It’s a choice he makes, whether it comes from fear, indifference, or something else entirely.
- Speak Up, But Be Ready to Walk: You have every right to tell him how his actions make you feel. But you also have to be prepared to leave if his behavior doesn’t change.
- You Deserve a Full Meal, Not Crumbs: When you accept inconsistent behavior, you teach him that the bare minimum is enough. Real love should make you feel secure, not like you’re constantly fighting for scraps of attention.
Why Do His Words Feel So Different From His Behavior?
This is the million-dollar question, the one that replays in your mind at 3 a.m. You’re stuck in a loop, weighing his sweet texts against his stinging inaction. The answer is simpler and harsher than we want to admit: talking takes minimal effort. Showing up is hard.
He might even mean it when he says it. In that moment, he might feel a powerful surge of affection and the words just tumble out. But feelings come and go. Commitment sticks around. Commitment is messy. It’s showing up on the hard days. It’s making you a priority when life is a chaotic nightmare. It’s the conscious choice to build something real with you, day in and day out. If his actions don’t back up that choice, his words are just pretty sounds echoing in an empty room.
I remember an ex who could have won an Olympic gold medal in verbal affection. He wrote poems. He left these long, rambling voicemails about how I was his soulmate. It was completely intoxicating. But when it came to the small, boring, everyday acts of love? He was a ghost. He promised to help me move, then his phone was mysteriously off all day. He’d paint these vivid pictures of a vacation we’d take “someday,” but he could never nail down a date. I held onto those words for far too long because accepting the reality of his actions was just too heartbreaking. I was in love with a man who never actually existed.
Is He Just Afraid of Commitment, or Is It Something More?
When you’re trying to decode his mixed signals, your brain usually lands on two possibilities: he’s scared, or he’s just not that into you. Figuring out which it is can feel impossible, but it’s crucial. You have to become a detective and look for the patterns.
Could It Be Fear That’s Holding Him Back?
Yes, it absolutely could be. Men carry baggage, too. A nasty divorce, a past betrayal, or a deep-seated fear of being vulnerable can make anyone hesitant to jump in with both feet, even when their feelings are strong. If it’s fear, you’ll likely see flashes of real effort mixed with periods of pulling away. He might be the perfect partner for a few weeks, then vanish emotionally the second things feel like they’re getting serious.
A man who is genuinely into you but scared will be inconsistent. He’s present and wonderful when you’re together, but he squirms when you try to make plans for next month. He says he cares deeply but avoids putting a label on what you are. While this is better than him not caring at all, don’t fool yourself. This is not a situation you can wait out forever. His fear is his battle to fight, not your project to fix.
What If He’s Just Keeping His Options Open?
This one stings, but it’s a harsh reality for many of us. Sometimes, his sweet words are just a tool. They’re a low-effort way to keep you on the hook while he keeps his options open. He loves the attention and the ego boost you give him, but he has zero intention of committing. In this case, his actions show otherwise because you are not his priority—his freedom is.
This is the guy who sends a “thinking of you x” text but can never seem to lock down a Saturday night. He says he misses you, then disappears for three days. He’s an expert at breadcrumbing—giving you just enough affection to keep you from leaving, but never enough to make you feel secure. He’s got you on the back burner. You deserve to be the main course.
What Are the Biggest Red Flags When His Actions Don’t Match His Words?
Pinpointing the specific ways his behavior fails to line up with his words is how you take your power back. These aren’t just little quirks; they are giant, flashing neon signs that his investment is nowhere near what he claims.
Does He Consistently Cancel Plans at the Last Minute?
Life happens. Everyone gets busy. But when it becomes a pattern, it’s not about his schedule. It’s about his respect for you. A last-minute cancellation sends a very clear message: “You weren’t the most important thing on my agenda.” A man who loves and values you will treat your time as precious. He will move hell and high water to keep the commitments he makes to you. A quick “so sorry, something came up!” text doesn’t cut it. The action speaks for itself. It says you are an option, not a priority.
Is He Vague About the Future and Your Place In It?
This is a massive one. A man can tell you he loves you until he’s blue in the face, but if he clams up the second you mention a future that includes him, listen to that silence. We’re not even talking about marriage—we’re talking about next month. Does he invite you to his friend’s wedding in the fall? Does he say “we” when talking about a summer road trip? Or does everything exist in the land of “maybe” and “someday”? If he sees a real future with you, he will actively pull you into it. If he only ever focuses on the right now, it’s because he probably doesn’t see you in his tomorrow.
Does He Disappear Emotionally When You Need Him Most?
Real love isn’t just about romantic dinners and fun dates. It’s about who shows up when life gets ugly. How he acts when you’re vulnerable is one of the most telling things about him. Can you call him, sobbing, after a nightmare day at work? If you get sick, does he offer to bring you soup, or does he just text “feel better” and go silent?
I once dated a man who was full of caring words. But one week, my grandmother was in the hospital, and I was a complete mess. I needed someone. I just needed a warm body in the room. He listened to me cry on the phone for five minutes, said “that sucks,” and then immediately started talking about his fantasy football draft. His words said one thing, but his actions screamed, “Your feelings are inconvenient.” In that instant, the illusion shattered. A loving partner shows up. They don’t need the perfect words. Their presence is everything.
Are You Always the One Initiating Everything?
Take a hard, honest look at the dynamic. Who sends the first “good morning” text? Who has to bring up making weekend plans? Who starts the deep conversations? If you feel like you’re doing all the heavy lifting, it’s because you are. A relationship is a partnership, not a project where you’re the only employee. A man who is genuinely in it will pursue you. He will make an effort. You won’t have to wonder if you’ll hear from him, because his actions will make it impossible for you to doubt it.
How Can I Tell if I’m Just Overthinking or If My Gut Is Right?
Let me be very clear: You are not overthinking. You are not being dramatic. You are having a perfectly normal reaction to a very real and painful situation. That knot in your stomach is your intuition. It’s the wisest part of you, and it’s trying to get your attention.
Trust that feeling.
Our minds are great at making excuses for people we care about. “He’s just busy.” “He’s a bad texter.” “His ex hurt him.” But your gut doesn’t rationalize. It reacts to reality. To cut through the noise, ask yourself these questions:
- When you walk away from him or hang up the phone, how do you actually feel? Energized and happy, or anxious and drained?
- Do you find yourself defending his behavior to your friends? If you have to act as his translator and PR agent, you already know something is wrong.
- Does this relationship feel safe? Or do you feel like you’re constantly auditioning for a role you may never get?
- Is this thing actually going anywhere? Or are you stuck in the exact same spot you were in six months ago?
Your answers are the truth. Don’t let him or your own wishful thinking convince you otherwise.
I’ve Realized His Actions Show Otherwise. Now What Do I Do?
This moment is heartbreaking, but it’s also where you get your power back. It hurts to admit he isn’t showing up for you. But it’s empowering because you can finally stop waiting for him to become a different person and start making choices that are good for you.
Should I Talk to Him About It? And How?
Yes. You owe it to yourself to have one clear, calm conversation. This isn’t about blaming or accusing. It’s about expressing how his behavior impacts you. Use “I feel” statements. For example, instead of “You never make me a priority,” try, “When our plans get canceled last minute, I feel hurt and unimportant.”
Frame it as a search for clarity. “I love spending time with you, and I believe you when you say you care. But sometimes your actions don’t line up with your words, and it leaves me feeling really confused. I just need to understand where we stand.” As research from relationship expert Dr. John Gottman shows, starting a difficult conversation gently gives it the best chance for success.
What If He Gets Defensive or Tries to Gaslight Me?
His reaction will tell you everything. A man who truly cares will listen. He might get a little defensive, but he will hear you out and validate your feelings.
However, if he immediately flips it back on you, he’s showing you who he is. If you hear, “You’re just being too sensitive,” or “Why isn’t ‘I love you’ good enough for you?”—that is your cue to leave. He is gaslighting you. He is trying to make you question your own sanity to avoid taking any responsibility. A loving partner wants to solve the problem with you. A manipulative one wants you to believe that you are the problem.
When Is It Time to Walk Away?
You walk away when you’ve laid your feelings on the table and nothing changes. You walk away when you realize the relationship causes you more stress than joy. You walk away when you finally admit you’re more in love with his potential than the man he actually is today.
It will be one of the hardest things you ever do. But you cannot build a life on a foundation of empty words and broken promises. As a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found, our well-being in a relationship is directly tied to how invested and responsive we perceive our partner to be. When that’s gone, so is the satisfaction. You aren’t just leaving him. You are choosing yourself. You are choosing peace. You are choosing to believe you are worthy of a love that is both said and, more importantly, shown.
How Can I Rebuild My Trust in My Own Judgment?
Being in this kind of emotional whirlwind can really mess with your self-esteem and make you doubt your own perceptions. Healing is about coming back home to yourself and learning to listen to that inner voice again. It’s about building a foundation of self-worth so strong that you’ll spot these mixed signals from a mile away and refuse to engage.
- Reconnect With Your Life: First, pour all that energy you’ve been spending on him back into the most important person: you. Call your friends. Dive back into that hobby you dropped. Build a life that feels so good and full on your own that you’ll be incredibly picky about who you let into it.
- Journal Everything: Next, write it all down. No, really. Get a journal and document it—the sweet words, the disappointing actions, and how it all made you feel. Seeing the stark contrast on paper is incredibly validating and will stop you from romanticizing the past.
- Set Clear Boundaries for the Future: This is a big one. Before you even think about dating again, figure out what your non-negotiables are. Decide what you will and will not accept from a partner. Know your standards and stick to them.
- Affirm Your Worth: Finally, remember this. You are worthy of a love that feels safe. A love that is reliable, consistent, and demonstrated. Not because you have to earn it, but simply because you are you. Remind yourself of that every single day.
In the end, it really is this simple: actions don’t just speak louder than words; they speak the truth. Words can paint a beautiful fantasy, but actions build a real life. Stop listening to the fantasy. Look at the reality he’s building—or not building—with you. The truth is right there. It may hurt to see it, but seeing it is the first step toward finding the love you actually deserve.
FAQ – Actions Show Otherwise
Why do his words sometimes feel so different from his actions?
His words might feel insincere because talking takes minimal effort, while showing up and demonstrating love through actions is much harder and more meaningful.
How can I tell if he’s just afraid of commitment or if he’s not interested in me at all?
You can look for patterns like inconsistency and avoidance of future plans; fear often leads to mixed efforts and reluctance to define the relationship, while a lack of interest shows as deliberate avoidance and disinterest in commitment.
What are the red flags that his actions don’t match his words?
Red flags include canceling plans at the last minute consistently, being vague about the future, disappearing when you need emotional support, and always the one initiating contact while he remains passive.
How do I know if my gut feelings are telling me the truth or if I am overthinking?
Trust your feelings; if you feel energized and secure after interactions, you’re likely on the right track. If you feel anxious, drained, or like you’re defending his behavior, your gut is probably right, and you should listen to it.
What should I do if I realize his actions show he’s not genuinely committed?
You should have an honest, calm conversation about your feelings. If his behavior doesn’t change after expressing your concerns, or if he reacts defensively or dismissively, it may be time to walk away and prioritize your own well-being.
