Am I Asking for Too Much? How to Set Your Standards

It’s that sinking feeling, isn’t it? The one that hits you right after a disappointment.

He forgot your anniversary… again. She brushed off your feelings like they didn’t matter. They always cancel plans at the last minute. You feel that familiar, awful knot in your stomach. Frustration. Sadness. You want to say something. You need to.

But a tiny voice in your head stops you cold: “Am I asking for too much?”

That one question just kills your confidence. It makes you feel small. It’s the reason you swallow your needs, settling for crumbs when you know you deserve a whole meal. It’s the echo of an ex who called you “needy” or “high-maintenance.” It’s the raw fear that if you actually ask for what you truly want, you’ll end up alone.

Here’s the truth. 99% of the time, you’re not asking for too much. You’re just asking for the basics.

The problem isn’t your standards. It’s the fear you have of having them. This article is your guide to finally shutting down that fear. We’re going to dig into the huge difference between healthy, necessary standards and unrealistic, sabotaging expectations. And more importantly, you’ll learn how to figure out your own—and finally stick to them.

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Key Takeaways

• It’s Not You, It’s Them: That “too much” feeling? It’s usually an echo from past partners who gaslit you, or just plain fear of being alone.
• Standards vs. Expectations: Standards are your “what” (respect, honesty). Expectations are your “how” (He must text me by 8 AM). One is about values, the other is about control.
• Listen to Your Pain: Your worst relationship moments are your best teachers. What hurt you most shows you what your new non-negotiable is.
• Talk About Needs, Not Demands: You don’t hand them a rulebook. You use “I feel…” statements and see if their actions line up with your needs. Big difference.
• The Right Person Gets It: Standards are a filter. The wrong people will run. The right person will hear your needs and say, “Of course.”

Why Does That Little Voice Keep Asking, “Am I Asking for Too Much?”

That nagging question doesn’t just pop up out of nowhere. It’s a learned response. It’s a defense mechanism you built up over years. To really get a grip on your standards, you have to first understand the fear that’s been silencing you. For most of us, it comes from a few painful places.

Was I Told I Was “Too Much” in the Past?

This is the big one. I remember a partner from my early twenties. He was charming, fun… and a total emotional fortress. I’d try to ask where we were headed—nothing heavy, just a simple “what are we?”—and he’d laugh and call me “so intense.” I wanted to connect more than once every few days, and suddenly I was “clingy.”

For months, I made myself smaller. I shrank to fit into his tiny box of emotional availability. I stopped asking questions. I pretended I was just as casual and breezy as he was.

I was completely miserable.

When someone you care about tells you over and over that your basic needs are “too much,” you start to believe them. It’s a classic manipulation tactic, even if they don’t know they’re doing it. It shifts the blame. The problem is no longer their failure to meet your needs; it’s your nerve for having them. Years later, that voice can still be in your head, even with someone new.

Is Fear of Being Alone Driving My Decisions?

Let’s be honest. The dating world can feel like a nightmare. When you finally find someone who is “good enough”—they’re kind, you have fun—it’s terrifying to do anything that might mess it up.

You start bargaining with yourself. “Okay, so he’s a terrible communicator… but he’s great with my family. And he’s ambitious. Maybe I can just live with the bad communication. It’s not that bad, right? If I push this, he might leave. Then what? Back to swiping? Being the only single one at the party again?”

This scarcity mindset is a form of self-betrayal. You quiet your own needs because the fear of being alone feels worse than the pain of being unfulfilled. You tell yourself a half-relationship is better than no relationship. And that’s when asking for your needs to be met feels less like a right and more like a risky gamble.

Are My Friends Setting a Different Bar?

You watch your best friend laugh off her partner’s flaky behavior. You see your colleague gush about a guy who clearly treats her like an option, not a priority. You look around, and it seems like everyone else is just “going with the flow.”

This can make you feel crazy. You start to second-guess yourself. “If she doesn’t mind that her boyfriend never plans a date, why am I so upset about it? Maybe I am the problem. Maybe I’m the demanding one.”

When your social circle normalizes low standards, your healthy ones can feel totally out of line. You feel like the difficult one. But here’s a secret: your friends are probably just as unfulfilled, or maybe they just have different needs. Their tolerance for “okay” doesn’t mean you have to accept it.

So, What’s the Real Difference Between a Standard and an Expectation?

This is the most important thing you need to get. We mix these words up all the time, but they are worlds apart. Getting them confused is the #1 reason we feel guilty for wanting more.

Here’s a simple way to think about it: Standards are the foundation of the house. Expectations are the paint color.

Your standards are the “what.” They are the core, must-have principles for a relationship to feel safe and last. They are rooted in your basic values.

Your expectations are the “how.” They are the specific, rigid ways you imagine your standards being met.

Aren’t Standards Just a Wishlist of Traits?

Nope. That’s a preference. Let’s break all three down.

• Standards (The Needs): These are the big-picture, value-based ways you deserve to be treated. They are universal.
  • Examples: Respect, honesty, kindness, emotional availability, integrity, consistency, mutual effort.
• Preferences (The “Nice-to-Haves”): These are the surface-level traits that create attraction. They’re flexible.
  • Examples: He’s over six feet tall, she loves hiking, he has a great job, she has the same taste in music.
• Expectations (The Rigid “Shoulds”): These are the specific, controlling scripts you build in your head. They set you up for disappointment.
  • Examples: “He should buy me flowers every Friday,” “She should text me good morning every day before 8 AM,” “He should know I’m upset without me saying anything.”

You can’t build a real relationship on preferences. You will kill every relationship with rigid expectations. But you must have standards.

How Do I Know if My “Standard” is Actually an Unrealistic Expectation?

The easiest way to tell is to ask yourself one question: Is this about a character trait or a specific action?

A standard is: “I need a partner I can trust.” An expectation is: “He must give me his phone password.” (See? That’s about control, not trust. If you have trust, you don’t need the password.)

A standard is: “I need a partner who is a good communicator.” An expectation is: “She must text me back within 10 minutes.” (A good communicator might be in a meeting. The standard is that they’ll get back to you and not play games. The expectation is a rule.)

Unrealistic expectations are a fast track to resentment. They’re usually born from a desire to control your partner so you can feel safe. But real safety doesn’t come from control. It comes from choosing a partner who is naturally a safe person.

Here are a few signs your “standard” is really an expectation in disguise:

• It Involves Mind-Reading: You get mad when your partner doesn’t just know what you want or need.
• It’s All-or-Nothing: It leaves zero room for being human. Your partner makes one mistake, and you see it as a total failure.
• It’s Controlling: It’s less about a feeling (like “I want to feel prioritized”) and more about a rule (like “You can’t have a guys’ night on Saturday”).
• It’s a “Fix-It” List: You’re expecting your partner to “fix” you, heal your past, or be your only source of happiness. That’s a job for a therapist, not a partner.

Ditch the expectations. Get clear on your standards.

How Can I Figure Out My Real Non-Negotiables?

Okay, so you’re ready to define your standards. This isn’t about writing a 50-item checklist. This is a personal process. It’s about digging up your real needs, not just the ones you think you’re supposed to have.

What Did My Past Relationships Teach Me?

Your pain is your greatest teacher.

Those moments in past relationships that hurt the most? They aren’t just bad memories. They are bright, flashing signs pointing directly at what you need. The opposite of what broke you is what you must now demand.

I dated a wonderful man for almost a year. He was kind, funny, smart… and completely allergic to commitment. He was an “almost” guy. We were almost official. We almost made future plans. I kept telling myself his good qualities made up for this one little thing. But that “one little thing” was everything. The day I walked away was awful, but it taught me my biggest lesson: A “good person” isn’t the “right person” if they can’t meet your most basic needs.

That pain gave me my non-negotiable standard: “I need emotional availability and a clear, shared desire for a real partnership.”

So, get out a journal. Think about your last few relationships.

• When did you feel the most alone? The opposite is your standard for Connection.
• When did you feel the most betrayed? The opposite is your standard for Honesty and Integrity.
• When did you feel the most unseen? The opposite is your standard for Respect and Validation.

This isn’t about being bitter. It’s about being wise. You’re turning your scars into your shield.

How Do My Core Values Translate into Relationship Needs?

Your standards have to be an extension of who you are. If a relationship doesn’t line up with your core values, it will always feel wrong. No matter how good it looks on the outside.

If you don’t know your core values, start there. What’s most important to you in life? Not in a partner, but in your life. Is it growth? Security? Family? Freedom? Honesty? Pick your top five.

Now, draw a straight line from that value to a relationship standard.

• Your Value: Honesty
  • Your Standard: “I need a partner who tells the truth, even when it’s hard. I won’t tolerate lies, even ‘little’ ones, about important things.”
• Your Value: Growth
  • Your Standard: “I need a partner who supports my ambitions and is working on their own growth. I can’t be with someone who is stuck or feels threatened by my success.”
• Your Value: Security
  • Your Standard: “I need a partner who is financially responsible and can have adult conversations about money and our future. No financial games or secrets.”
• Your Value: Family
  • Your Standard: “I need a partner who values family (mine and theirs) and is on the same page about what a future family looks like (or doesn’t).”

When your standards are locked into your values, they stop feeling like “demands.” They’re just a basic requirement for compatibility. They become non-negotiable because you are non-negotiable.

Am I Building Standards Around Who I Actually Am?

This is a gut-check. Your standards have to be real. They have to match your actual life. It’s so easy to get swept up in the idea of what you want.

You might say, “I want a partner who is spontaneous and adventurous and wants to travel the world!” That’s great. But… are you adventurous? Or are you a homebody who loves routine and your ideal Friday night is a puzzle and a movie?

If you’re an introvert who needs a ton of quiet time, a standard for “a partner who respects my need for solitude” is critical. If you’re a high-energy extrovert, a standard for “a partner who enjoys socializing” is just as valid.

There’s no right or wrong here. It’s not “better” to be an adventurer or “better” to be a homebody. The goal isn’t to find a “perfect” person. The goal is to find a person who is perfect for you. Your standards are the blueprint for that person. They must be an honest reflection of who you are.

I Think I Have My Standards… Now How Do I Talk About Them?

Here we go. The moment of truth. You’ve done the work. You know your non-negotiables. But a standard is useless if it just lives in your head. You have to bring it into the real world. This is where most of us freeze. That “am I too much?” fear comes roaring back.

Won’t I Scare Everyone Off by Mentioning My “List”?

You’re picturing a first date, right? Sitting down, pulling out a laminated list, and starting an interrogation. “Number one: Honesty. Tell me about a time you lied.”

Please, don’t do that.

You don’t present your standards. You live them.

Your standards are a filter, not a weapon. They work quietly. You learn about someone’s character by watching their actions over time. You share your values in normal conversation.

If your standard is “honesty,” you watch. Do they tell little white lies to their friends? Do they exaggerate stories? You also act with honesty, showing them that’s how you operate.

If your standard is “consistency,” you don’t demand it. You just… notice if they’re inconsistent. If they say they’ll call on Tuesday, do they? If they don’t, you don’t attack them. You just notice. And you file that information away. The only “list” you need is your own internal one. The right person won’t be “scared off” by your character. They’ll be drawn to it.

How Do I Communicate My Needs Without Sounding Demanding?

There will be times when you have to actually say something. Your partner can’t read your mind. This is where communication is everything. The line between a “demand” and a “need” is all in how you say it.

A demand is: “You never plan dates. You need to start planning a real date every single Friday.” A need is: “I feel really connected and prioritized when we have dedicated time to just be together. I would love it if we could plan a date night for this weekend.”

A demand is: “You text your friends all the time but you ignore me.” A need is: “I feel a little disconnected when I don’t hear from you during the day. It would mean a lot to me if we could just check in for a minute.”

The magic formula is: “I feel {an emotion} when {a specific, non-blaming observation}. I need {a clear, positive action}.”

This isn’t an attack. It’s an invitation. You are inviting your partner to connect with you. You are giving them a roadmap to make you feel good. A good partner wants that roadmap. They want you to be happy. If someone blows up or gets defensive when you vulnerably share your needs… they are failing the test.

What if They Call Me “High Maintenance”?

Ah, the killer argument. The ultimate silencer.

First, take a deep breath. Now, I want you to see this phrase for what it is. It’s a giant, waving, neon-red flag.

When someone calls you “high maintenance” for expressing a totally reasonable, core need (like “Please don’t cancel on me 10 minutes before our date,” or “I’d like to be exclusive”), they are telling you one of two things:

1. “I am not willing or capable of meeting that need.”
2. “I want to make you feel crazy so I don’t have to feel guilty for failing you.”

Either way, it’s bad news.

Now, when I feel that old “am I being difficult?” twinge, I have a new script. If I state a need clearly and get that kind of pushback, I see it for what it is. It’s not me being “too much.” It’s us being “not a match.” The right person for me wants to connect. They want to be consistent. My standards aren’t a burden to them; they’re a shared language.

The right person will hear you say, “I need this.” And they will respond with, “Okay. I can do that.” It really is that simple.

What if My Standards Keep Getting “Betrayed”?

This is a painful cycle. You know your standards. You hate it when they’re violated. Yet, you find yourself three months in, staring at a flashing red flag, and… you stay. You make an exception. “Just this once.”

Then “just this once” becomes the new normal. Why do we do this? Why do we abandon ourselves?

Why Do I Keep Ignoring My Own Red Flags?

We fall into a few powerful traps. The most common one is the “Potential” Trap.

You don’t date the person in front of you. You date the person they could be.

You date the man who “has such a good heart” if he could just stop binge-drinking. You date the woman who is “so brilliant” but just happens to lie about little things. You tell yourself, “They’re just going through a hard time,” or “If I’m just supportive enough, they’ll change.”

This is not a relationship. It’s a fixer-upper project. And you are not a construction crew.

We also ignore red flags because of the Sunk Cost Fallacy. “I’ve already invested six months in this… I can’t just walk away now!” We’d rather double down on a bad bet than cut our losses.

And finally, we ignore them because we’re lonely. The connection, even if it’s flawed, feels better than nothing. We accept disrespect because it comes with occasional affection.

How Do I Hold the Line When I Really Like Someone?

This is the hardest part. It’s when your heart and your head go to war. Your head sees the red flag, but your heart is busy picking out curtains.

This is when you must ground yourself in your “why.”

Remember that pain from your past? The thing that created this standard in the first place? Go back to it. Really feel it for a second. That is the future you are choosing if you ignore this red flag. The short-term pain of walking away from someone you like is nothing compared to the long-term, soul-crushing pain of being with someone who continuously betrays your core needs.

Holding the line isn’t about being cold. It’s an act of self-preservation.

It means you have to trust that your standards are valid, even if the other person doesn’t. It means you have to believe that a better, more aligned love is out there. It means you have to choose the discomfort of “being single” over the misery of “being settled for.”

Are My Standards Too High, Too Low, or Just… Wrong?

This is a final check-in. It’s possible to get this wrong. We can set the bar so low we trip over it, or set it so high no human can reach it.

What Are the Signs My Standards Are Genuinely Too High?

Remember, we’re talking about standards, not preferences. If your “standard” is that your partner must be a 6’2″ doctor who looks like a movie star and reads poetry… that’s not a standard. That’s a fantasy.

Your standards might be genuinely unrealistic if:

• No One Ever Measures Up: You’ve been on 50 dates, and every single person has a “fatal flaw.”
• Your List is All Superficial: Your “non-negotiables” are 90% about looks, money, or status, and 10% about character.
• You Expect Perfection: You’re looking for someone who has never made a mistake, has no baggage, and agrees with you on everything. You’re looking for a robot, not a person.
• You’re Looking for a Savior: Your standards are about what someone can do for you (fix your life, make you happy, give you status) rather than who you can be together.

Healthy standards are about character and compatibility. Unrealistic standards are about perfection. As Utah State University’s resources on building a healthy relationship point out, healthy relationships are built on “realistic expectations,” not a fantasy.

And What Are the Signs My Standards Are Dangerously Low?

This is far more common. And it’s far more dangerous.

Your standards are too low if:

• You Constantly Justify Bad Behavior: “He yelled at me, but he was just stressed.” “She lied, but it was a small thing.” “He hasn’t texted in three days, but I know he’s busy.”
• You Feel Anxious, Not Secure: You’re always on edge, “walking on eggshells,” or trying to “figure out” where you stand. A good relationship should feel like a safe harbor.
• You Are Always the One Compromising: You’re the one who always apologizes, always changes your plans, and always lets things slide.
• Your Needs Feel Like a Burden: You are genuinely afraid to ask for the most basic things—like their time, their attention, or their respect.
• You’d Rather Be Unhappy With Them Than Happy Alone: This is the ultimate red flag. You are using someone as a shield against loneliness, and you’re letting them hurt you as payment.

So, Are You Asking for Too Much?

Let’s go back to that original question.

No.

You are not asking for too much.

You are not “high maintenance” for wanting consistency. You are not “needy” for wanting affection. You are not “difficult” for wanting honesty. You are not “crazy” for wanting commitment.

You are asking for the basics. You are asking for the very things that make a relationship safe, healthy, and worthwhile.

Setting standards isn’t an act of aggression. It’s an act of profound self-love. It’s the moment you finally stop looking for someone else to validate you and, instead, you validate yourself. It’s you, looking in the mirror, and saying, “I am worthy of respect. I am worthy of honesty. I am worthy of a love that feels like peace, not a puzzle.”

The entire point of standards is not to find a perfect person. It’s to filter out the wrong ones. The people who are scared off by your standards are the very people you are not meant to be with.

The right person won’t think your standards are “too much.”

They’ll just call them “ours.”

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