It’s a uniquely painful kind of dating puzzle. The connection is there—you can feel it. The chemistry is obvious. He texts, he flirts, he remembers the little things you say, and he has a way of looking at you that makes you feel seen. But there’s one huge, glaring problem: he has a girlfriend. Or he’s seeing other people. The confusion is instant and all-consuming, a question that plays on a loop in your head. You start second-guessing every text, every shared laugh, every lingering glance, asking yourself that same agonizing question again and again: if he likes me, why is he dating someone else?
This is a special brand of emotional limbo. You’re caught between hope and doubt, a place where his words seem to promise one thing while his actions deliver another. It makes you wonder if you’re making it all up, if you’re not enough, or if there’s some secret piece of the puzzle you’re missing. The reality is, the answer is rarely simple. It’s almost always a tangled mess of his own fears, insecurities, and personal reasons that have little, if anything, to do with you. Getting a handle on those reasons is your first step toward getting your peace of mind back and finally making a choice that is right for you.
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How Long Should You Know Someone Before Dating
Key Takeaways
- A man’s actions speak louder than his words. If he’s committed to someone else, that is his real choice, no matter how much he flirts or texts you.
- The reasons he’s interested in you while dating another person are nearly always about his own issues—fear of getting too close, insecurity, or just plain selfishness. This isn’t a reflection of your worth.
- Staying engaged with an unavailable man, no matter how amazing the connection feels, will almost certainly lead to heartache and put your own life on pause.
- You have to prioritize your own emotional health by setting firm boundaries. You have the right to walk away from any situation that brings you more confusion than clarity.
- Real, healthy interest from a man involves clear intentions and decisive moves, not confusing mixed signals and a divided heart.
First, Are We Reading the Signals Right?
Before we try to get inside his head, we need to ask a tough question. Is he really into you, or have we just built that idea up in our minds? We humans are experts at confirmation bias. When we want something to be true, we find every piece of evidence that supports it and conveniently ignore everything that doesn’t. A simple compliment starts to sound like a confession of love. A standard emoji feels packed with secret meaning. A shared laugh feels like a preview of a future together.
I learned this lesson the hard way in my early twenties. There was a guy at my office, Mark, who was funny, charming, and gave me a lot of attention. He’d stop by my desk to talk, praise my work, and always find me at company events. I was completely sold; I was sure he was interested.
And then, one Monday, he casually mentioned he was moving in with his girlfriend. I was stunned. It turned out Mark wasn’t just being nice to me; he was a friendly, flirty guy with everyone. The “signs” were just his personality. I had built an entire fantasy on nothing but my own hopes.
So, you have to take a step back and be brutally honest with yourself. Are his signals truly romantic and aimed only at you, or could they be interpreted another way? Do his late-night texts translate into actual daytime plans and real dates? Does he treat you differently than everyone else, or is he just a charismatic guy who knows how to make people feel special? It’s a hard thing to do, but it can save you from so much future pain. You have to be able to separate what’s really happening from the story you wish were true.
Why Would He Act Interested If He’s Unavailable? The Psychological Reasons
Alright, let’s say you’ve looked at the situation objectively, and the signs are real. The interest is definitely there. In a lot of ways, this only makes things more confusing. Why would any man actively try to get your attention and affection if he’s already with someone else? The answer isn’t one thing. It’s usually a messy combination of his own emotional baggage, his fears, and his needs. It’s about him. Not you.
Could He Be Genuinely Terrified of a Real Connection?
Some men are deeply, fundamentally afraid of intimacy. This fear can come from anywhere—a difficult childhood, being cheated on, or the messy fallout from a past relationship. He might genuinely like you, maybe even more than the person he’s with. But you represent something real. The connection you share feels important, and that’s the very thing that scares him to death.
Being with the other person, who might be a “safer” or more casual option, gives him the comfort of a relationship without forcing him to be vulnerable. Flirting with you gives him the emotional high and validation he’s looking for, but he maintains his distance by staying unavailable. He gets to enjoy the best parts of connecting with you without any of the risk. Research has shown that a person’s attachment style, often formed in childhood, heavily influences their behavior in adult relationships.
As explained by relationship experts at the University of Illinois, those with an avoidant attachment style often “crave intimacy but simultaneously fear it,” leading them to keep partners at arm’s length. He could be stuck in that exact pattern, pulling you close for the validation but shoving you away when it gets too real.
Is It About His Ego and Not About Me?
This one is tough to accept. For some guys, it isn’t about a deep, meaningful connection with you; it’s about getting an ego boost. Your interest serves as a mirror, showing him a reflection of the man he wants to be: handsome, charming, and desirable. He keeps you around because your attention makes him feel good about himself.
His official relationship is his secure home base. You’re the exciting weekend getaway. He gets his need for security met by one person and his need for an ego boost met by you. He probably has no intention of ever leaving his partner, because that would blow up his comfortable arrangement. He just wants to know that he could have you if he wanted to.
You’re proof of his value. As soon as you stop giving him that attention, he’ll either try harder to get it back or, more likely, just find someone else to take your place. It’s a selfish, immature game, but it’s incredibly common. He’s not trying to build a future with you; he’s using your feelings to build up his own confidence.
What If He’s Stuck in His Current Relationship?
Sometimes, a guy stays in a relationship out of habit, not love. It’s just… comfortable. Familiar. Maybe they share a lease, a pet, or their families are close. He might be genuinely unhappy and see you as a symbol of everything he’s missing—excitement, passion, real conversation. You represent the idea of a happier life.
But there’s a huge gap between wanting to be happy and actually doing the hard work to get there. Leaving a long-term relationship is complicated and messy. It takes real courage. It means facing a lot of discomfort and uncertainty. So, he stays where he is. He complains to you about his girlfriend, which makes you feel special, like you’re his closest confidante.
This builds a false sense of intimacy and tricks you into thinking a breakup is just around the corner. In reality, you’re just his emotional outlet. You’re the person he unloads his unhappiness on so he has the strength to go back to his real life. He gets the sympathy he craves from you without ever having to actually change a thing.
Let’s Be Honest: What Is My Role in His Life?
When you’re stuck in this emotional tug-of-war, it’s natural to focus on what he’s thinking. But it’s just as critical to flip the script and ask, “What role am I actually playing in this?” Figuring out where you stand from his point of view is the key to seeing the situation clearly. This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about arming yourself with the truth.
Am I the “Just in Case” Girl?
This is called “benching.” It’s a modern dating tactic where someone keeps you on the sidelines, interested and waiting, just in case their main relationship doesn’t work out. To put it bluntly, you’re his backup plan.
The signs you’re being benched are maddeningly subtle:
- Breadcrumbing: He gives you just enough attention to keep you from moving on—a random text here, a fire emoji on your Instagram story there, a vague comment about how you two “should” hang out sometime. It never goes anywhere.
- Hot and Cold Behavior: He’ll be all-in for a few days, texting you constantly. Then he’ll disappear for a week without a word. This emotional whiplash keeps you hooked and hoping for the next “hot” phase.
- Future Faking: He loves to talk about all the things you two “should” do together. “We should totally go to that concert,” or “We should take a road trip this summer.” The keyword is always “should.” It’s a fantasy he’s selling you with no intention of making it a reality.
Being someone’s backup plan is excruciating because it dangles just enough hope in front of you to keep you from walking away. But you have to remember this: a man who truly wants a future with you won’t put you on a waitlist. He’ll make a plan.
Am I the “Fun Escape” from His Reality?
It’s possible he’s in a perfectly fine, if somewhat boring, relationship. Life has settled into a routine of work, chores, and conversations about what to watch on TV. Then you come along. You’re his escape from the mundane. When he’s with you, he doesn’t have to be the responsible partner or the guy stressed about his job. He can just be fun and spontaneous.
You are providing the excitement—emotional or physical—that’s missing from his everyday life. The conversations feel electric because they’re “forbidden.” The connection feels powerful because it exists in a fantasy world, away from the real-life problems of a committed relationship. He isn’t planning on leaving his girlfriend. In fact, her stability is what gives him the freedom to have this escape with you.
He’s getting the best of both worlds: the security of his main relationship and the thrill of your attention. You’re filling the role of an affair, whether it’s emotional or physical. And the trouble with being an escape is that when things get tough, people almost always run back to what’s safe and familiar, not what’s exciting and new.
Or Is This a Classic Case of Wanting What He Can’t Have?
For some people, the thrill is in the chase. The fact that he can’t truly have you—because he’s already in a relationship—is the very thing that makes you so appealing. He’s drawn to the challenge, the drama, and the ego boost that would come from winning the affection of someone he “shouldn’t” have.
If this is what’s happening, he has zero long-term intentions. The goal isn’t to be with you; the goal is to win you. If his current relationship were to end tomorrow, giving him a clear shot with you, you’d likely find that his interest vanishes into thin air. The game would be over. The challenge would be gone. This isn’t about you as a person. It’s about the dynamic of the pursuit. He loves the chase, not the catch. And it’s a devastating realization when you see that your real feelings have just been pieces in his private game.
Now What? How to Take Back Your Power (and Your Sanity)
Understanding the why behind his behavior can be validating. It helps you realize his actions are a reflection of his own issues, not a judgment on your worth. But knowing isn’t enough. The most important step is deciding what you’re going to do about it. How do you get off this emotional rollercoaster and find solid ground? It requires a deliberate, and often painful, shift in focus from him back to yourself.
Is It Ever a Good Idea to Confront Him?
The desire to confront him can feel all-consuming. You just want clarity. You want to force his hand and make him choose. While that impulse makes perfect sense, it almost never works out the way it does in the movies. More often than not, a confrontation will lead to one of three things:
- Denial and Gaslighting: He’ll act shocked, deny he was ever flirting, insist you “misread” his friendship, and make you feel completely crazy for even suggesting it.
- Empty Promises: He’ll admit he has feelings for you and that his current relationship is terrible. He’ll tell you he just needs “a little more time” to sort things out—a vague promise designed to keep you waiting forever.
- Defensiveness: He’ll get angry, accuse you of trying to break up his relationship, and shut you out entirely.
A much more powerful move is to set a boundary for yourself, not to give him an ultimatum. You don’t need him to confess anything; you just need to protect your own heart. You can say something calm and direct, like, “I’ve really enjoyed our connection, but I know you’re with someone else. To respect myself and your relationship, I need to take a step back.” This isn’t an attack; it’s a declaration of your own standards. It puts you in control and clearly states that you are not willing to be a part-time option.
Why Waiting for Him Is a Losing Game
I once waited. His name was Alex, and our connection felt like nothing I’d ever experienced. He told me I was everything he wanted. He also had a live-in girlfriend he promised he was about to leave. For six months, I lived on those promises. I didn’t date anyone else. I was always there for his late-night calls when he was feeling “confused.” My friends tried to warn me, but I was convinced we were different.
The breaking point came on a normal Tuesday when I realized I was just miserable. My entire sense of happiness depended on a man who was choosing to go home to another woman every single night. His words were beautiful. His actions were not. He was not choosing me. The decision to cut him off was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but it was also the single greatest act of self-respect I had ever shown myself. I blocked his number and let myself mourn the future I had imagined.
A few months later, I met the man who is now my husband. He was single. He was available. He chose me from the very beginning, no games, no hesitation. If I had kept waiting for Alex, I would have missed out on a real, available love. Waiting isn’t a romantic strategy; it’s giving up on your own happiness.
What Does Walking Away Actually Look Like?
Walking away isn’t just a one-time decision. It’s a series of actions you take every day. It means actively taking all the energy you were pouring into him and investing it back into yourself. It hurts, it’s messy, and it takes time, but it’s the only way to get free.
Here are the practical steps:
- Create Distance (The No-Contact Rule): This is the most important step. Mute him on social media. Unfriend him. Block his number. You cannot heal in the same place you got hurt. Every time you see his name, you’re just reopening the wound.
- Refocus on Your Life: Take all that mental energy you spent analyzing his every move and pour it into yourself. Rejoin that gym class. Plan a trip with your friends. Tackle a new project at work. Reconnect with the person you were before he came along.
- Feel Your Feelings: Don’t try to pretend you’re fine. You’re allowed to be sad, angry, and disappointed. Let yourself grieve the future you thought you might have. Talk it out with a friend, write it all down in a journal, or even see a therapist. The only way out is through.
- Raise Your Standards: Let this painful experience be a lesson. Make a promise to yourself that you will never again give your time and energy to someone who isn’t 100% available. Your number one requirement for any future partner is simple: they must be single and they must be excited about you.
Your Heart Is Not a Waiting Room
So, why is he dating someone else if he likes you? The truth is, there are a thousand possible reasons, and they all have to do with his own fears, his own selfishness, his own confusion. But none of those reasons really matter. The only thing that matters is this: a man who truly wants to be with you will do what it takes to be with you.
He won’t risk losing you. He won’t hide you. He won’t make you his option.
He will choose you. Clearly. Decisively.
Any man who makes you feel like you are in a competition for his heart is not the prize. The right person for you won’t bring confusion into your life; they will bring clarity. The pain of letting go of a connection that felt so real is deep, I know. But the freedom you find on the other side is so much better. It’s the freedom to find someone who doesn’t have to be convinced you’re worth it—because they see it from the very start. And that is a love worth waiting for.
FAQ – If He Likes Me, Why Is He Dating Someone Else
How do I take back control and get out of the emotional limbo?
To regain control, set firm boundaries such as going no contact and focusing on self-care and personal growth. Recognize that waiting for him is a losing game; instead, invest in your happiness and standards, and seek relationships where clarity and commitment are present from the start.
What does it mean to be ‘benching’ and how do I recognize it?
Benching is when someone keeps you as a backup or sidelined, giving just enough attention to keep you interested while they pursue other options. Signs include breadcrumbing through minor texts or hints of future plans that never materialize and hot-and-cold behavior that keeps you hopeful.
What are the psychological reasons behind his interest while being unavailable?
Such interest can stem from fear of intimacy, attachment styles like avoidant attachment, ego needs, or being stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns. Sometimes, he uses flirting for validation or as a distraction from his own fears or dissatisfaction in his current relationship.
How can I tell if I am reading his signals correctly?
You need to objectively evaluate whether his gestures and words are truly romantic and directed only at you or if they could be misinterpreted. Consider if his actions translate into real plans and consistent behavior or if they could be signs of casual friendliness or manipulation.
Why does he act interested even though he’s with someone else?
He may be acting interested due to his own issues such as fear of intimacy, insecurity, or ego needs. Often, his actions are more about fulfilling his personal insecurities or emotional baggage rather than a genuine desire to pursue a future with you.
